The Luckiest People

Today I watched the dumbest movie ever made.  It was called "Hope Springs" and it was starring Heather Graham, Colin Firth, and Minnie Driver.  That alone should have been enough to keep me from entering the disc into my television set, but boredom won, so watch I did.  Kids...do not try this at home.

What is with these movies where there's a small town and either a handsome stranger arrives, or is already residing there, and some girl meets him and has her Cinderella moment and lives happily ever after with this backwoods Price Charming?  I mean, get real.

I've been to those towns.  You know who lives there?  Toothless alcoholics.  That's it.  There are no handsome strangers, coming, going, or rotting away there.  I mean, if you are a hot guy with brains and talent, why would you visit a place that can't be found on a map?  And if you already lived there, you either started drinking, getting fat, and losing your hair right after high school (leaving you toothless and an alcoholic) or you left and pretended to never be from there.

Like George Costanza (who is fat, bald and neurotic...not toothless or an alcoholic though) I am currently at a point where I cannot imagine a scenario where I will ever meet anyone, ever again.  That being said, I've felt this way before and contrary to my depressing belief, there always is a scenario where I do meet someone.  But, then again, my therapist used to always say that past performance does not predict future outcome, so...maybe I've seen my last scenario.  That remains to be seen.

To be clear...I'm not looking.  I'm just barely crawling out from under my bereavement rock, so a relationship isn't really in the forefront of my mind, nor is it at the top of my list of priorities, I was just thinking about that stupid movie.

What else?

Well, I had come to my blog earlier today to write this post, but got sidelined by a comment that someone had left that was in response to my last blog.  It spoiled my mood, but luckily I was able to bounce back.  The comment was from a stranger (I haven't had any strangers reading my blog up to this point--that I know of), so it was a bit odd.  It was like getting fan mail, except the person blasted me for being a humbug.  The jist was that my loneliness (that I've expressed off and on in these pages) was of my own making and that I was depressingly depressed.  Um...yeah, well, death isn't something that our culture necessarily has an instruction manual on...I'm doing the best that I can.  As for loneliness...I think Barbra Streisand said it best:  "People who need people are the LUCKIEST people in the world".  And to quote my recently departed BFF (quoting Forrest, Forrest Gump):  "That's all I have to say about that."

Actually, no it isn't.  Depression is real.  Yes, it can be treated with medication, and yes, there are things you can do to raise your seratonin levels naturally:  eating right, exercise, meditation and the like, but nevertheless, for better or for worse it happens.  I don't think that I overstayed my welcome in the land of the recently bereft.  And as for my loneliness being my fault...(again to quote my BFF:  "That's debateble!")  Loneliness is part of the human condition and from what I can tell (what I've heard, what I've witnessed, what I've been told, and what I've studied), we are all lonely...even when we are not alone.  I've been reading a lot of Buddhist texts and they touch on this quite a bit.  It's all about acceptance, and I work on that every day.

Speaking of Buddhists, if you've been reading the blog, then you know that I went to see the Dalai Lama.  I was hoping to gain some insight into my recent situation(s) and at the time I think there was just too much to digest.  Having some distance from the event, I've been able to gather the following:  The Dalai Lama is a regular human being.  Just like you and me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be disrespectful.  He will tell you the same thing himself.  It's true.  I can't say I'm happy about it, I was hoping to feel some sort of magic, but in digesting this concept, I've come to realize quite a few things.  If the Dalai Lama is just like you and me, then we are just like him.  And that's good to know.  Doesn't it make you feel good just to think of being like the Dalai Lama?  You should.  You are.  I don't need to tell you what his talk was like, you can go out and buy his book "An Open Heart".  It is almost verbatim the talk that he gave when I went to see him.  Back to my realization.  It's been good to sit and listen to the Dalai Lama speak and to read the Buddhist teachings...especially at this difficult time.  I've learned that even the Dalai Lama has issues with patience, frustration...I can't think of what else, but just the regular stuff that you and I deal with on a daily basis.  His whole point though is that there is still happiness to be found even with all of this other  stuff that we have to deal with.  He's found it...and he's been in exile for over 30 years.  Forgive me for trying to summarize, but I did want to mention my experience, I don't however want to misquote the Dalai Lama...if you want to know more, go sit with him, or read one of his books.

I just think that for me this was a big eye opener for how hard I can be on myself.  Which in turn can make me hard on others...which ain't good.  It's hard to hear "you are too hard on yourself" from a friend or a family member, it's altogether different to hear it from the Dalai Lama.  He's not bound to lie.  Or to say something just to make you feel better.  Okay, well he wants us all to feel better, but not because he wants us to shut up and stop bitching, but because he really and truly knows that we CAN feel better.

I wish I could have met him.  I know someone who did meet him.  I believe I mentioned him many many blogs ago.  An ex that I called "Joseph".  He has to be the worlds biggest jerk...oh wait a minute...I mentioned him more recently actually.  He's the ex that I ran into right before I left LA.  Blech.  Anyway, yeah...that douchebag got to meet the Dalai Lama.  (Never thought you'd hear the words "Douchbag" and "Dalai Lama" in the same sentence, did you?)  Well, leave it to me.  "Joseph" was actually on a private plane with His Holiness and got to have a whole conversation with him and everything.  Lotta good it did him.  He has to be one of the worlds least compassionate people.  Psh.  Just another shining example of how life ain't fair.  I know, I'm not being very nice...or compassionate right now, but...it's my blog and I'll be un-PC if I want to.

Well, I hope (for your sake) that in the next few months that my life returns to a somewhat normal state and I can regale you with more tales of woe and douchebaggery.  It would sure be a nice change of pace!  Until then, don't be too hard on yourself;)

Not Ready Yet

"There's a world outside.  And I know, cause I've heard talk.  In my sweetest dreams, I would go out for a walk.  But I don't think I'm ready yet.  I'm not feelin' up to it now."~The Eels

As if it weren't enough that I picked up my life and moved it, my best friend has to go and die and derail all of the plans I was making for my future.  Thanks.

Of course it's not her fault that I'm immobile these days, but it sure isn't helping anything.  After spending the day in San Francisco on a sailboat in the bay watching the Blue Angels, I am back at square one.  No matter how much of a good time I have, or what distractions present themselves, I keep ending up here.  The land of the lost.

My money has run out.  I guess I didn't think things through.  This is what they mean when they say, "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans".  Now the clock is ticking on Plan B.  More like Plan C.  When I decided to move, I thought I would stay with my mom for about 8 months, save money and then move to Marin County.  Marin is lovely.  I've always loved Mill Valley.  I challenge you to visit Mill Valley someday and not fantasize about raising your kids there.  Well, that's all well and good, but as you know, I don't have any kids.  And at this rate, I'm never going to.  Back to the original plan.  It's just not going to work now.  I can't stay at my mom's for much longer unless I want to establish myself in this town with a job and I just don't.  I want to get on with my life and get to where I'm going.  Mill Valley is nice, but now I'm thinking about the Peninsula because I have a stronger network of friends there.  Right now, my friends (those that are left) are more important to me than ever.  I need them.

I slept a full eight hours last night, but by one o'clock today I had to take a nap.  I woke up, smoked a cigarette (gross) and started crying.  Good morning to me.  At this point it isn't a particular thought that takes me there.  The tears are just at the ready.  Anything is a reason to cry.  Something beautiful, something mundane, something exciting, something sad.  Doesn't matter.  It's all fuel.  Watching the Blue Angels made me emotional.  Thinking about my future makes me emotional.  Holding a friend's baby makes me emotional.

The great big gaping hole that is left by the missing person in my life is the match that ignites and amplifies all of the things in life that were already hard.  The holidays are coming.  I'm going to be single.  Again.  Every year I think "This is the last Christmas that my family will think I'm a lesbian".  (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)  And then Christmas comes, and then New Years.  Kissless New Years.  How I hate you.  I despise you.  I SPIT on you!

My Yoga training has done little to alleviate the pain of my loss.  I try to live in the moment, but unfortunately my old life training is still the one that takes the wheel and steers me.  I know I'm supposed to take it all in baby steps, but at some point I have to pick myself up and get on with it already.  I'm certainly not getting any younger.  Especially not with all of the smoking I'm doing.

I looked at apartments in San Mateo yesterday and it was disheartening to say the least.  I find it extremely difficult to believe that in this economy people can still charge an arm and a leg for rent.  Don't they know that nobody has a job?  I've always had good apartment Karma though and when crunch time comes, after the first of November, I'm sure the perfect thing will present itself.  I may have to leave my doggie with my mom though.  That's a whole other can of worms.  I am the worst animal parent that has ever lived.  Three cats and two dogs later, I will still be without an animal.  I should be reported to the authorities.

Single people are so discriminated against it isn't even funny.  You have to pay rent all by yourself and you can't even have a pet...unless you have gobs of money.  I keep thinking of "The Secret" and all of the inspirational self-help crap of that ilk and I want to believe that "If you build it, they will come", but what if they don't?  I could easily rent an expensive apartment and hope for the best, but the last thing I want to do is end up back at my mom's in three months because I wasn't able to make enough money.

I do not recall ever being more stressed ever in my whole life.  I am completely overwhelmed.  And it's hard to crawl out from under this rock when my emotions are crippled by certain events that were beyond my control.  Nothing is in my control.  Thinking that anything is is just an illusion.  There are no guarantees in life.  It's all a gamble.  I have to hedge my bets as far as moving is concerned because although I want to be where I have the biggest network and support system, there's no law saying that tomorrow those people won't pick up and move away.  Or die.

I cannot imagine working right now.  And I'm going to have to start imagining it pretty quickly because it's a fact that I'm going to have to do it sooner rather than later.  I love teaching Yoga.  I cannot think of a better job to go back to after going through all of this bullshiz, but still.  I think of myself in my new apartment, sans dog, and I feel sad that I will be lonely.  I know I shouldn't project that into my future, but I'm not an idiot.  I know that there will be days when people aren't available to hang out or talk.  I moved from Los Angeles to escape loneliness and then look at what happened.  Fuck dude.  Resistance is futile.  There is no escape.  No matter where you go, there you are.  I warned you three blogs ago about cliches, don't say I didn't tell you so.

I'm going to see the Dalai Lama tomorrow.  I feel like I'm going to visit The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.  I'm going to ask him for a life.

"Because because because because becaaaaaaaaaaaaause, because of the wonderful things he does."~Munchkins

The Long and Winding Road~Part II

They say, "You don't know what you've got til it's gone".  Well, I knew.  I knew what I had.  And I am now all too aware that it's gone.  Losing your best friend is not like anything you can imagine.  Especially when you need her.  "A friend in need is a friend indeed".  They say that too.

When you have a relationship with someone for twenty two years that consists of daily conversations about everything (and nothing), and then it is gone...well, there are no words.  To go through something as big as this without the person who helps you get through these things is damn near impossible.

The person who I want to talk to about my best friend's death is my best friend.  How do you get around that?  I know you have to take these things a day at a time, but I can't help but think of all of the days to come and how I'm going to need her and she's not going to be there.  It's a luxury, an absolute LUXURY to be able to pick up the phone at any time day or night to just run something by someone and have them immediately be on board with the situation.  What am I supposed to do now?

Your best friend is the person who "gets" you.  She's the person who knows you like nobody else.  She knows you when you don't know yourself.  And she is irreplaceable.  

So, this is what the rest of my life is going to look like.  Having to take those little moments when you want to shoot the shit and just let them literally go without saying.  Having those little heart breaks when she says just the right thing and going without those words of comfort.  Having to complain and bitch and moan about big things and little things and having to either just suck them back up or treat them like they don't exist.

It is a loneliness like nothing I have ever experienced.  And I've been lonely.  Who knew that that was nothing compared to this?  Nothing.

I know what other friendships can be like.  I have a lot of friends.  And they all have their place, but my relationship with my best friend was the number one most honest friendship that I had.  We argued like crazy and we hurt each other from time to time, but we never had to mince words.  It was a symbiosis.  It was like having a twin.  There were times when we'd be less than honest and we would know that the other person was on to us and we would also know that they knew that we knew...it went that deep.  There was no "getting away" with anything.  We weren't fooling anybody.  Even when we withheld the truth or fibbed, it was still honest because we could read each other's minds.

I know that all of my other relationships are censored.  I see it now more than ever because the person to whom I revealed all of those secrets, the stuff that was cut out of the other conversations, is gone.  My secrets end here and they no longer have an outlet.  Perhaps I will explode from the bloat of it.  She was a vessel it which I poured everything that I could not share with anyone else.

This is all on top of the facts of her passing.  They are hard to accept.  I will not go into it here.  Suffice it to say, I will never be able to feel settled with the fact that I wasn't there for her in her final days.  They were not easy for her.  The thought of her being scared and alone is too much to take, and yet what choice to I have?  I cannot undo it.  I have to take it.  Take it where?  Take it how?  I do not know.

And life goes on.  People are still careless with my feelings.  If I do not walk around with a sign on my face that says, "Please remember I lost my best friend and have never felt more alone" people do forget.  It is amazing how quickly it is expected of you to "move on".  You expect the world to stop.  You do.  You expect every day to be about her.  You expect everyone to know that everything you see, hear, taste, feel and do is in correspondence to your connection (or lackthereof) with this person.  People want you to be happy and they want to believe that you are over it when you pretend to be.

I'm not over it.

I thought my life was hard before.  I thought that being poor and single were so awful.  I had no idea that it could get worse.  Not like this.  I thought that my messed up relationships with other people were so devastating and important.  Psh.  That was nothing.

It's interesting because there were times that I wrote this relationship off.  Walked away because it got too hard.  There were times when we didn't speak for months.  I was fine.  I missed her.  I wanted her.  But, I wasn't depressed about it.  There were even times when I thought the friendship was completely over.  This is why it's interesting...I must have known deep down that that was not true and would never be true.  Because now that I KNOW that it's over...it's a whole different story.  I truly cannot imagine life without her.  And yet, I'm living it right now.  Right now she is gone and I'm still here.

Over the past few days I have really really really needed to talk to her.   And because I can't, I have become ill.  Lethargic.  Depressed.  Unable to function properly.  My muscles are weak.  The fetal position is the only one the feels comfortable.  Tears come easily and when I have to hold them back my stomach becomes sick.  It's super fun.

When will it end?  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe never.

I had a really good week last week.  I spent a lot of time with a lot of wonderful people.  I had fun.  I thought about her.  I didn't think about her.  It came.  It went.  It seemed like it was going to be doable.  And then I needed her and it all fell apart.  I imagine it's going to be a lot more of the same for quite some time.

It is almost impossible to think of her without thinking about her tragic death.  I know I should be focusing on the good times and her smile and her laugh, but instead I picture her being alone and afraid and dying.  I think about the good times too.  I do, but then I think about why I'm thinking about it...cause she's gone and then I'm forced to think about why that is.

I don't want words of comfort.  I don't want advice.

You know what I want.  You know that I can't have it.  So, for now, save it.  I just need to go through this.  I pray that you never have to.

"You left me standing here"~The Beatles