Not Ready Yet

"There's a world outside.  And I know, cause I've heard talk.  In my sweetest dreams, I would go out for a walk.  But I don't think I'm ready yet.  I'm not feelin' up to it now."~The Eels

As if it weren't enough that I picked up my life and moved it, my best friend has to go and die and derail all of the plans I was making for my future.  Thanks.

Of course it's not her fault that I'm immobile these days, but it sure isn't helping anything.  After spending the day in San Francisco on a sailboat in the bay watching the Blue Angels, I am back at square one.  No matter how much of a good time I have, or what distractions present themselves, I keep ending up here.  The land of the lost.

My money has run out.  I guess I didn't think things through.  This is what they mean when they say, "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans".  Now the clock is ticking on Plan B.  More like Plan C.  When I decided to move, I thought I would stay with my mom for about 8 months, save money and then move to Marin County.  Marin is lovely.  I've always loved Mill Valley.  I challenge you to visit Mill Valley someday and not fantasize about raising your kids there.  Well, that's all well and good, but as you know, I don't have any kids.  And at this rate, I'm never going to.  Back to the original plan.  It's just not going to work now.  I can't stay at my mom's for much longer unless I want to establish myself in this town with a job and I just don't.  I want to get on with my life and get to where I'm going.  Mill Valley is nice, but now I'm thinking about the Peninsula because I have a stronger network of friends there.  Right now, my friends (those that are left) are more important to me than ever.  I need them.

I slept a full eight hours last night, but by one o'clock today I had to take a nap.  I woke up, smoked a cigarette (gross) and started crying.  Good morning to me.  At this point it isn't a particular thought that takes me there.  The tears are just at the ready.  Anything is a reason to cry.  Something beautiful, something mundane, something exciting, something sad.  Doesn't matter.  It's all fuel.  Watching the Blue Angels made me emotional.  Thinking about my future makes me emotional.  Holding a friend's baby makes me emotional.

The great big gaping hole that is left by the missing person in my life is the match that ignites and amplifies all of the things in life that were already hard.  The holidays are coming.  I'm going to be single.  Again.  Every year I think "This is the last Christmas that my family will think I'm a lesbian".  (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)  And then Christmas comes, and then New Years.  Kissless New Years.  How I hate you.  I despise you.  I SPIT on you!

My Yoga training has done little to alleviate the pain of my loss.  I try to live in the moment, but unfortunately my old life training is still the one that takes the wheel and steers me.  I know I'm supposed to take it all in baby steps, but at some point I have to pick myself up and get on with it already.  I'm certainly not getting any younger.  Especially not with all of the smoking I'm doing.

I looked at apartments in San Mateo yesterday and it was disheartening to say the least.  I find it extremely difficult to believe that in this economy people can still charge an arm and a leg for rent.  Don't they know that nobody has a job?  I've always had good apartment Karma though and when crunch time comes, after the first of November, I'm sure the perfect thing will present itself.  I may have to leave my doggie with my mom though.  That's a whole other can of worms.  I am the worst animal parent that has ever lived.  Three cats and two dogs later, I will still be without an animal.  I should be reported to the authorities.

Single people are so discriminated against it isn't even funny.  You have to pay rent all by yourself and you can't even have a pet...unless you have gobs of money.  I keep thinking of "The Secret" and all of the inspirational self-help crap of that ilk and I want to believe that "If you build it, they will come", but what if they don't?  I could easily rent an expensive apartment and hope for the best, but the last thing I want to do is end up back at my mom's in three months because I wasn't able to make enough money.

I do not recall ever being more stressed ever in my whole life.  I am completely overwhelmed.  And it's hard to crawl out from under this rock when my emotions are crippled by certain events that were beyond my control.  Nothing is in my control.  Thinking that anything is is just an illusion.  There are no guarantees in life.  It's all a gamble.  I have to hedge my bets as far as moving is concerned because although I want to be where I have the biggest network and support system, there's no law saying that tomorrow those people won't pick up and move away.  Or die.

I cannot imagine working right now.  And I'm going to have to start imagining it pretty quickly because it's a fact that I'm going to have to do it sooner rather than later.  I love teaching Yoga.  I cannot think of a better job to go back to after going through all of this bullshiz, but still.  I think of myself in my new apartment, sans dog, and I feel sad that I will be lonely.  I know I shouldn't project that into my future, but I'm not an idiot.  I know that there will be days when people aren't available to hang out or talk.  I moved from Los Angeles to escape loneliness and then look at what happened.  Fuck dude.  Resistance is futile.  There is no escape.  No matter where you go, there you are.  I warned you three blogs ago about cliches, don't say I didn't tell you so.

I'm going to see the Dalai Lama tomorrow.  I feel like I'm going to visit The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.  I'm going to ask him for a life.

"Because because because because becaaaaaaaaaaaaause, because of the wonderful things he does."~Munchkins