Welcome to the Jungle

"Ass". "Pig". "Dog". These are just a few of the words used to describe "Keith" as of yesterday afternoon...and not all by me. Apparently "Keith" has become his own zoo.

Yesterday afternoon, as I was innocently minding my own business while bra shopping at Victoria's Secret, I noticed a man standing in front of me in line who looked very similar to Keith. He was thinner, with thinner hair, and was dressed like a total slob, but I recognized the shoes. Those stupid red suede Adidas.

As I stood there, I thought to myself, "That can't be Keith. Why would Keith be at Victoria's Secret? His daughter is only 4 years old, so he certainly isn't shopping for her. Did he reconcile with his wife? No, I heard they were getting a divorce. Why is he here? What is that lingerie in his hand? That's really ugly lingerie. Keith would never have that bad of taste in lingerie. Would he? Who is it for? Is he dating someone? Has he been dating someone long enough to buy them lingerie? I thought he said he wasn't ready to date? Is that Keith? It can't be Keith..."

And then I caught his profile and sure enough, it was Keith. Lingerie shopping.

Little did I know, as I was harboring hope that Keith would soon be over his ex-wife and ready to get back into the dating world, that he was actually already out there participating in it.

It was only last week that I had emailed him to see where he had been as of late and why he hadn't stopped by the restaurant for a visit. He went into this long cock and bull explanation about how busy he's been, etc. and said he would stop by soon. Um, when a woman with whom you've had an emotional involvement for a year sends you a flirty email telling you she wants to see you and you are banging someone else...isn't this the time to tell her, "Hey, I'm banging someone else."?

No. Apparently it isn't.

Even if you told this person...and I quote, "I always thought of you as someone I would want to be with if I wasn't married" (that used to be music to my ears, now I can barely type it without puking in my mouth a little bit), you should still not tell them you are banging someone else even though it's obvious this is information that this person needs to know.

No. What you SHOULD do is just hope that in a town as small as Hollywood, that you will never run into this person while lingerie shopping for the woman you are "casually" banging. And if you DO run into this person while buying pink and black leopard print "lingerie" (sorry, I'm more of a Cosabella or La Perla girl myself) what you do is...you stand there sweating like a "pig" and stumble through some retarded explanation of your shiteous morning of driving to and from the airport while the afore mentioned woman stands there thinking "Why the FUCK are you telling me this when all I want to know is, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BUYING LINGERIE FOR ANOTHER WOMAN IN VICTORIA'S SECRET WHEN YOU SAID THAT YOU WANTED TO BE WITH ME AFTER YOU GET A DIVORCE!"

That's what you SHOULD do...according to Keith.

Welcome to the jungle
It gets worse here everyday
Ya learn ta live like an animal
In the jungle where we play
If you got a hunger for what you see
You'll take it eventually
You can have anything you want
But you better not take it from me ~ Guns n Roses

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Shananannananananana