Top Five Women Who Are Apparently More Lovable Than I Am.

1.  Britney Spears-This pillar of society showed the world her vajayjay, shaved her head, locked herself in a bathroom with one of her children, and was hauled off to the looney bin in an ambulance, and NOW her daddy makes all of her decisions for her via a LEGAL conservatorship.  BUT! she is dating some smokin' hawt agent dude.

Um.

2. Paris Hilton-This little angel ALSO showed the world her vajayjay, but she didn't stop there.  She also let some douchebag film her having sex with him when she was like 19 years old.  I also heard from a reliable source that her A Cup boobs are fake, and we all know her eyes are not blue and her hair is not blond.  If she's not even happy with what she's got...how can anyone else be?

3. Anne Heche-Remember when she was lost in the desert and knocked on some strangers door talking about being abducted by aliens and seeing UFO's? She went on to marry a nice handsome fellow and he even procreated with her.

Awesome!

Call ME crazy, but...she doesn't seem like someone who's DNA you wanna go spreadin' around...

4. Jessica Simpson-Is this Chicken or is this Tuna?  Need I say more?  And then she went on to inspire Billy Corgan (one of my favorite artists of all time) to say that he LOVED her.  Wow.  But, according to John Mayer she takes it up the pooper, so nevermind.

Billy can love her all he wants.

Exit only thank you very much!

5. Dido-Apparently she and Jon Brion were engaged at one point.  Figures.  Every single song she writes is either about how she is a commitment-phob "Don't Believe in Love"or how she can't let go of something that has been long over  "I Will Go Down With This Ship".   She's either leading you on or stalking you.  Nice.  Yeah, marry HER, sounds like a good time.

It's hard not to be bitter in the light of these facts.

Now, I realize that I am not a celebrity, but I do play one on TV(actually, no I don't).

Anyway...

Guess if I wanna date in this town I'm either going to have to start hallucinating, acting like I don't know what tuna is, flashing my bits, or playing mind games with people.

Actually that doesn't seem too hard...