36 Going on 13

Remember your first crush?

Remember mooning the hours away over a guy who you never thought in a million years would give you a second look?

Remember what it felt like to discover how wrong you were and that against all odds he liked you too?

I do.

I was in 8th grade.  His name was "Vincent".

Vincent was the sweetest guy I had ever known.  Always had a smile on his face and had these sort of chipmunk like cheeks.  He was really really cute.  And he was my best friend.

After having lunch with him every single day for 1/2 of the school year, I remember the day that I FINALLY took it upon myself to tell him I had a crush on him...you know what he said to me?, "That's funny because I had a crush on you all through 7th grade and I never told anyone."

Jeez.  Now what if I had never said anything?  Then that 8th grade graduation day at Marriott's Great America would never have been as fun and the first love letter of my young adult life would never have happened.  We would have been two ships passing in the night (or given our age and size at the time...more like two paddle boats).

Over the years I have been conditioned not to be forward with men.  It has been beaten out of me.  "Guys don't like it when you do this"..."Guys don't like it when you do that"..."Play hard to get"..."Never call a man"..."blah blibbity f*ing blah blah".

You know what?  Shut your face haters.  Because it worked in 7th grade...and it STILL works!

After trying to play by "The Rules" over the last year or two I have gotten absolutely nowhere.

Nowhere.

and I mean...NOWHERE with men.

So, I started thinking about the wisdom of my youth.  About who I used to be before the world told me I wasn't good enough.  I was a great big open heart who wanted people to just jump on in...the water's fine!  And dammit, there's nothing wrong with that.

So, yesterday I took it upon myself to do what I used to do best.  I let someone know how I felt.

If I hadn't said anything, yesterday would have just been the day that I stayed home recovering from my 36th birthday party the night before.  But because I'm 36 going on 13 it became the day that I spent with a beautiful man who I've been mooning over for almost a year...turns out, he likes me too.

It was every bit as thrilling and scary as it was in 8th grade.

When was the last time you watched a movie with the guy who makes your heart go pitter patter and every time your arms accidentally touch you smile on the inside from the thrill?  I feel lucky to be reminded of what that used to be like.

And the water's fine.