Please, Please Tell Me Who I Am

"There are times
when all the world's asleep,
but questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please
please tell me what we've learned?
I know it sounds absurd.
Please Tell me who I am."

~Supertramp

I have to say, it's hard to write a sassy blog about a woman who is dissatisfied with her life because of the things that she DOES NOT HAVE, when she's spending up to 8 1/2 hours a day (some days--on others it's much less, but still...) studying Yoga and Yoga Philosophy (not that they are necessarily two different things).

Now, you can't know what I mean unless you too have studied this, and it would take me up to 8 1/2 hours a day to explain it to you and I simply don't have that kind of time, but the basic gist of things (well, there are several basic gists) is/are living in the moment, finding freedom from desire, patience...it goes on and on which is why Yogi's study their entire lives.

Anyway, how can I come to my desk and spew bologna about dudes, gossip about my friends, talk smack about celebrities and complain about unruly customers at the restaurant when I'm embarking on this other path?

As we all know, comedy is often cruel. I've been making people laugh my whole life. My quick wit, snappy comebacks, and under my breath comments have been bringing joy to the masses (okay, a few close friends and family at best--maybe a few strangers) since I was about 8 years old.

A lot of those laughs have come at another person's expense. Maybe they were unaware of it and so it did no harm, but it's still negativity being unleashed into the atmosphere. That can't be good.

Even as I write this, I can see the rolling eyes and hear the sighs of those who know me best.

I know. Barf.

Believe me. I know.

Transformation. It's another big theme in Yoga. And it's happening to me.

I do not suggest for even a moment that it's going to happen over night. It's gradual, very very very very (add about 100 more very's and we might get somewhat close) gradual, but it is already starting to happen. I can feel it. So, what does it mean?

Will I lose friends?
Will I become someone else?
Will I be lonely? (already got this one covered)
Will I lose parts of myself?
Will people think I am boring?
Will I still be funny?

What am I without those jokes?

Who am I?

Am I still me?

What am I going to write about if I can't write about all of the things that I see other people doing wrong? If I can't complain about men and how stupid they are...oh look...I'm still here after all:), if I can't complain at all...what am I going to say? Apparently it isn't going to matter. You know why? Because I will be working to simply accept what "is". I didn't want to write about this today. I really wish I had something else to talk about. But I don't. This is where I'm at. This is what is.

Save the suggestions about writing a Yoga blog. I'm not ready for that. That isn't who I am.

Yet.

For now, I'm still me...whoever that is.

Oooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...