Wow, so last night I was ichatting through Facebook with a "friend" of mine and in the middle of the ichat he DELETED me!!! We were talking about my dilemma of whether or not I should move from LA or not and as I've illustrated in my previous posts, this is a somewhat loaded topic. He ended up honing in on the friendship issue, and suggested that I smile and say "hi" to every single person that I come across. Now, I actually think this is a nice notion. I genuinely do. As a matter of fact, just yesterday I was in a public restroom and another woman came in and I smiled at her and she didn't smile back and I had this entire internal dialogue with myself about how inappropriate that is and "what the hell is this world coming to?", etc. I mean, people who don't smile back when they are smiled at are truly disturbed in my opinion. It's a huge pet peeve of mine. HOWEVER, when she came out of the stall and went to wash her hands, she turned to me and said, "Ugh! I hate it when you have food in your teeth and nobody tells you!" and then she laughed and we had a nice little exchange. I realized at that moment that her not smiling back at me was nothing. It wasn't personal, it wasn't cause she's a jerk, or hateful or unfriendly, it was because she had fucking lettuce in her teeth. Maybe she didn't notice my smile til it was too late and when she got in the stall she was all bothered and having her own internal dialogue about it. Anyway, the lesson for me was: Don't read into it too much when someone doesn't react to you the way you want them to. You never know what's going on with a person and often times, it doesn't mean anything.
Anyway...so when this "friend", let's call him "Michael" (that is not his name), suggested this shit-eating-grin thing to me I said to him, "I'm not saying I'm not going to do it" (cause I know that I am a bit standoffish and could work on that for sure), "but I do want to say, that you have absolutely no idea what kind of crap that invites". And what I meant by this is, in the past, on days when I've felt particularly open and positive and have decided to be more smiley and friendly, this has backfired on me. See, when you are a woman, which I am, and you smile at every single person you come across, some of those people take your friendliness the wrong way. They think you're flirting. This has been my experience anyway. And again, in my experience, this misperceived "flirting" is then acted upon by the other person, i.e., they end up getting all excited and then won't leave you alone and keep you engaged in conversation long after you are done being "friendly" and then ultimately end up asking you out. Which you then have to delicately work your way out of. And quite frankly, the whole thing is freaking exhausting and it gets awkward and then the other person's feelings are hurt and then you are a "bitch" and then the whole being nice thing is thrown right back in your face and you are sorry you ever smiled at anyone. Ever.
That's just my experience.
Now, I didn't go into all of that last night because this was ichat and as you can see, this explanation took up quite a lot of space and let's face it, when you say shit like this to men, they get all defensive and they think you are talking about them and then the original message gets lost and this all becomes about rejecting them and not some hypothetical person.
Okay, so I have my reasons for not being the most friendly person on planet Earth and while I think I can and should work on that a little bit, I feel that I should be given the respect that perhaps I have had one or two life experiences and that there is indeed a "method to my madness". All I wanted Michael to understand was that his suggestion was not fool proof. Instead of him seeing my point or validating that he cannot possibly conceive of how the world differs for a woman, he got caught up on the idea that I was not going to take his suggestion (which I hadn't completely rejected at all, on the contrary it will be a fun social experiment) and decided I was a lost cause and that if I was going to continue to "cling to the anchor" which was weighing me down that he could not stand by and watch. Hence the delete. After deleting me he sent me an email with his whole "anchor" speech and then blocked me so that I could not respond. Good one. Way to make sure you get the last word. Maturity at it's finest.
What ended up happening directly before Michael deleted me was he was getting ready to sign off and he said, "Hang in there kiddo" and I said, "Don't call me kiddo, you aren't my dad". And then I went to send something else and all of a sudden Facebook was telling me that I could no longer correspond with this person. So, that was it. If I don't let people refer to me in a way which I do not find pleasing, I'm out. Nice. Since when are you not allowed to say "I really don't like it when people call me (enter your version of kiddo here)"? Apparently since yesterday. So, beware, allow people to be condescending to you and refer to you however they please or else you may be erased from their lives forever.
Well Michael, let me tell you something. I cling to nothing. If you knew me any better and didn't make assumptions on my behalf, you would know that I often say one thing in the moment and feel something else entirely only a few moments later. One day I don't feel smiley, the next, "I'm Walkin' on Sunshine". It would do you good to understand that people go through shit and sometimes they just need someone to listen and understand. YOU on the other hand are clearly having a super fun time of reliving that episode (and therefore "clinging to the anchor") of when you were 17 years old and your father came home stumbling drunk, beat the shit out of you, and said you were worthless and lazy. And then you ran away from home and didn't speak to your entire family for years and years. You got the last word then, and you got the last word now. The problem is...I'm not YOUR dad! And I wasn't saying YOU are worthless just because I make a comment about the advice you are giving me. I actually thought it was decent advice.
I mention this episode because this is something that Michael shared with me on our first date (we only dated a week and it's been "over" for a few months) and I find that it is the episode that colors most of his responses in life. I've seen his comments on Facebook and I've seen his interactions with other people and heard him tell stories of how he sometimes relates to people and there is one common thread to each of these communications between Michael and the rest of the world and that is this: He seems to be forever trying to correct this one scene from his past (which is what people do when they are overreacting---just incase you wanted to know why people over react...this is it. They are trying to "past correct"). He is constantly putting people "in their place" and it's most likely what he wishes he could have done all of those years ago with his dad.
I feel sorry for Michael. I think he needs a shit ton of therapy. To be 40 years old and act the way that he does is nothing short of pathetic and one can only have pity for such a person.
I, on the other hand, am feeling pretty good today. I'm still not sure what my next step in life is going to be, but my load just got lighter and for that, I am grateful...and have a smile on my face:)
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