Oh. My. God. Yes, I moved in with my mother. What the fizznuck was I thinking?
Well, all I know is, I couldn't spend another day in Los Angeles, the Douchebag Capital of the World. And I also couldn't spend another day waiting on people. Not one. So, here I am. 36, Single, Unemployed and living with my mother. Queue music to "It's a Wonderful Life".
I guess if I hadn't gone to Europe I coulda saved to move somewhere else, but...Europe was amazing and I keep dreaming that I'm in Italy for some reason and each time I do this I am so so happy. Maybe I should have moved to Italy. I've never even been to Italy, but it is in my dreams never the less.
All signs pointed to GET OUT NOW anyway. My two best friends decided I was the anti-Christ about a week before I left (another blog, another time...I have the draft, but I'm not ready to publish it yet). Needless to say, it was just a huge sign that it was time to go. Then, Christopher Robin made the most hideous and disgusting proposition to me. Something having to do with him coming over and me not being able to speak while he was there. Um...what? There was more, but it's nothing I would ever repeat in the light of day. GOOD RIDDANCE! Ugh.
THEN two days before departure I am having my going away brunch and who do I bump into at the concierge desk? The one and only real relationship I had the entire time I was living in Lala Land. This was a person who I never in my whole life thought I would ever see ever ever ever again. And poof! Right before ever ever ever happens...there he is. What are the odds? Of all the restaurants, of all the days, of all of the occassions. I mean...really. Thank GOD I was wearing make up and a semi-cute outfit. I was wearing my white lesbian shirt afterall. Of course, no run-in with the ex is ever complete if it is not followed up by his 25 year old 5'9" 105 lb super model girlfriend coming in to "use the bathroom" aka, sneaking a peak at me. Bitch was gorgeous. And of course she was some Asian mix...all of the girls who replace me are. She needed to eat at McDonalds for a month straight before she'd ever approach a healthy weight, but that's beside the point. UGH! and DOUBLE UGH! Why couldn't she be pasty, pudgy, and short?
After brunch I was standing in the street and I looked up at the sky and said out loud, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
And so that's what I did.
Things you should know about moving in with your mother:
1) The television is always going to be too loud. Buy lots of ear plugs...or prepare to go deaf with her.
2) Remember how she was always nagging you to rinse your plate before you put it in the dishwasher? Well, now it's your turn...she's tired of rinsing.
3) Just because your door is closed does not mean that you would like privacy or quiet or that you might be working on something important/concentrating, it just makes bugging you that much more fun cause your mom gets to knock on the door first. It's like a game of "peek-a-boo". Super fun.
4) Old people talk to themselves. A lot. Get used to listening to not only your own thoughts, but all of the thoughts of the other person in the house.
5) Announcements of every activity in your mom's life will commence on the hour. Keep a notebook handy.
There's more...oh yes, there is more...but my mother actually reads this blog, so I'm gonna play nice...for now.
All in all, it's a swell thing she's doing letting her Old Maid of a daughter move back in to finish out her life knitting, reading poetry, and ruminating over the one's who got away.
In all seriousness...It's occurring to me that I might have wanted to plan this whole thing out better. I have only a vague notion of what Plan B is supposed to look like. If you can't visualize it...you probably can't make it happen. So far I have 3 private yoga clients and I assume I will get more, but the bigger question is...what city do I want to live in next? And how do I get there? I thought that the city where my mother lives might have been an option, but it's clear to me after only two weeks that this is not even close to being the final destination...unless I really do want to die an Old Maid that is...
I cruised Match.com in this town just to see what was out there and it was bleak my friends...bleak.
It has been much too long since the last blog, I feel I have so much to cover...for now, this will have to suffice. Until then, I will continue to feed my mother the salted peanuts...
"The unsalted one's make me choke!"~Momma (Throw Mama From the Train)
