Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Dear John~

No, this letter is not intended for a person named John...but it is a "Dear John" letter...I guess.  Kids do not try this at home.  What I mean is, don't do the things that lead up to having to write a letter like this.  I am posting it here because I can never send it to the person it is intended for and I haven't written a blog in months.  Instead, I've been writing this letter for a week.  So, here it is in all of it's patheticness for your amusement.  I'm going to go back to crying now~  Enjoy


I hope you can receive this with an open heart and mind.  I feel that I owe it both to you and to myself to explain a few things.  I want to tell you that the time that I spent with you was beautiful.  Sort of magical really.  I mean, dancing in the rain?  What an experience.  I told you I felt lucky, and I meant that.  You are gorgeous, talented, sweet, charming, fun, deep, seductive, bright, open, intelligent, passionate, energetic, surprising, full of wonder, inspiring, and I am sure a lot of things that I didn’t get a chance to see.  You were a welcome breath of extremely fresh and rejuvenating air right at a time when I was coming out of something extremely dark…I guess I just hadn’t come all the way out yet.  I recently lost someone very close to me.  It isn’t an excuse, but it is one of the reasons that I’ve been having a hard time being my best possible self.  This person that I lost was my best friend of 22 years.  She drank herself to death and nobody knew it was happening until it was too late to do anything about it.  She was my twin, my soul mate.  It feels like a piece of me is missing and I’m learning how to live in the world without her.  It isn’t easy.  It changes you and leaves you slightly off balance.  Not long after she passed away, I misguidedly got involved with someone who was a heavy drug user and also a heavy drinker.  I think I was trying to get a second chance at saving my friend in some weird-backwards-subconscious way or maybe trying to feel what it was like to be in her shoes, or maybe I wanted to drown out feelings that I didn’t like having…I really don’t know, but instead, I got sucked into this guy’s toxic world.  I don’t blame him, it’s just what the circumstances were.  While I was smart enough to finally get out of that situation, some of the habits I developed in that relationship had been hard to shake…and that’s when I met you.  Because I already wasn’t in the best place emotionally (read vulnerable and lost), and because you are so young and so beautiful, I have to admit, I felt insecure.  Believe me, I know how unattractive that is in a person (I can’t stand it when people tell me I am intimidating), but I told you before, I am not much of a bullshitter.  Sometimes the truth sucks, but I think it is the most important thing.  Remember when I asked you how you could put so many great things into one person (meaning you)?  I suppose I didn’t feel as though I deserved to have you.  I was confused and it sort of tapped into some stuff that I hadn’t worked through yet.  I should never have mixed alcohol with those feelings.  My bizarre drunken behavior might seem frightening or psycho, but I can assure you, as can those who have known me and loved me for many years, I am a wonderful (mostly sane;) girl.  I just also happen to be a person who blacks out easily and says and does really strange things when she is drunk that she would never in a million years say or do under any other circumstances.  I am extremely grateful (though sad as hell) that it took me completely humiliating myself in front of you to wake me up to how all of this stuff has all been affecting my life.   Now I have a chance to do something about it.  I have no reason to drink ever again.  And day by day, accepting the loss of my friend gets easier.  You seem to be very mature and well tapped into your spiritual side and I gather that you are a humanist and a deeply compassionate person (your friends seem to think so).  So, perhaps you can understand where this is coming from.  I am sorry that I ruined our budding friendship for both of us.   Maybe after I’ve had some significant time to get my balance back, you will consider getting to know me again.  Meeting you was pretty intense and I loved every minute of it…I just don’t think I was at all prepared to handle it. 

Whatever happens, I wish you all of the best.  Thank you for shining your light on me~