Bring Me a Dream

It is 9:48pm Sunday night. I usually post ye olde blog on Monday mornings, but I won't have time to do it tomorrow and by Tuesday the thoughts swimming through my brain this evening may be lost and forgotten...so here I am.

I am exhausted. Physically exhausted. I've finally started my long awaited Yoga Teacher Certification training and it is quite the experience. That's another subject for a future blog, but the point is, although I am beyond tired, I was compelled to climb out of bed and address something...or is it someone? Mr. Sandman...Mr. Sandman can you hear me?

Yes Mr. Sandman, I am talking to YOU. Now, in the song it says "Bring Me a Dream/Make Him the Sweetest That I've Ever Seen"...you know the rest.

So WHAT THE HELL was that all about last night?

I do not appreciate having old boyfriends from the quite distant past coming into my dreams and proposing marriage. No, I do not appreciate it at all. What on Earth were you thinking? And why HIM?! He wasn't sweet. He was a total Jerk!

So, for the rest of you who aren't Mr. Sandman, let me tell you to whom I am referring.

About seven years ago I had a boyfriend, let's call him Joseph, who wasn't very nice to me. He didn't beat me or anything like that, but he was extremely "busy" all of the time and whenever he did have time to spend with me, everything was always on his terms. He totally took me for granted and even though I let him...that still wasn't nice of him.

Five years later (so two years ago) he came back into my life. I figured that since he already knew what I expected from him that this time he was ready to provide. I was wrong. We did an instant replay of exactly the same relationship that we had had before and it ended in exactly the same way which went something like this: He completely cut me off and I went psycho (yes, both times---I'm a slow learner). It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud.

I will never be able to explain what it was about this guy that made him so irresistable to me, but he was. Just one of those things I guess.

So, the second time around, I got over it rather quickly. I mean, I had already had to get over him once, so by now I was pretty good at it. I've rarely thought of him since. I mean, yeah, I'll use him as a reference point when talking to girlfriends about their disfunctional relationships and whatnot, but I no longer pine for him or wish things were different. I know better and as the years have gone by I've sort of been able to be happy that I didn't end up with him. It would have ended by now anyway. We were incompatible in too many ways.

But then last night my goddamn subconscious had to go and scrape the bottom of the man barrel and give Joseph a starring role in a very vivid and hopeful dream! WHAT THE F?!?!?!?! I mean seriously, is that the best I could come up with? Out of all the guys I've known in my life and all of the people in the world I have to dream that HE proposes to me!? Thanks. Thanks a heap.

There's nothing worse than waking from a dream in which you are madly in love with someone and they are madly in love with you, only to find that it's just a freakin' dream and no such thing is true or is ever going to be true.

It's shameful that even in the deep dark corners of my mind that I would still wish for such a thing. And let me tell you, I was ECSTATIC in this dream! I mean, it was like he had FINALLY realized what a gem I was and was ready to do things right this time.

Ugh. Humiliating. I probably shouldn't even be blogging about this...that's how gross it is.

So now tonight, I was lying in bed, trying to come down from Yoga Bonanza...which let me remind you all is a time when my head is clear of all of these ridiculous thoughts...and the dream started to creep back...along with the memories. The good, the bad and the ugly. I knew what was going to happen if I stayed in bed. I was going to dream about this schmuck again.

Well, I'm not having it. So, I am here pleading my case. Leave me alone. Let me rest in peace tonight. That little scar that heartbreak can leave is feeling a bit tender. Let's not rip it open again.

Not tonight.

And if you must...then "bring me a dream" that doesn't make my waking life resemble a nightmare.

Nighty Night

Pump Up the Volume/Liar Liar Pants on Fire

When a recipe is really easy, the directions usually read:

"Just add water".

Well, I know a very simple recipe for crazy and it reads:

"Just add man".

Lately I've been feeling that unfamiliar feeling that one is only able to grasp during certain times in one's life.

That feeling is called peace.

I've been spending some quality time with friends as of late. I've been working out regularly. I've been eating well. My studies are coming along swimmingly. My trip for Europe is booked.

It's aaaaall good. All of it.

My therapist thinks that our work is done here.

I think..."Not so fast Dr. D".

All I need to derail the whole thing is a man. Yup, like a hole in the head...that's just what I need.

Cause let's face it, peace is a wonderful thing, but...isn't it kinda boring?

Wouldn't it add some color and spice to my life if I were spending all of that quality time with my girlfriends agonizing over something some guy said, or some unreturned phone call?

Wouldn't my mornings be better spent lying in bed for an extra hour (or five) imagining my future life with (literally) the man of my dreams?

Wouldn't we all have more to talk about if I spent a week crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry's and getting fat only to then cry because I can't zip up my skinny jeans?

And wouldn't it be interesting if I stopped studying and then had to cram for that test in September?

IT SURE WOULD!

I hate to bore my readers to death, but this is what happens when there's no man in my life to fuck everything up. It gets quiet.

Actually, there's a Bjork song, I'm pretty sure it's a cover, that dives into exactly what I'm talking about:

it's oh so quiet
shh
shh
it's oh so still
shh
shh
you're all alone
shh
shh
and so peaceful until

(loud horns)

you fall in love
simple
the sky up above
simple
is cavin' in
wow bang!
you've never been so nuts about a guy
you wanna laugh
you wanna cry
you cross your heart and hope to die
...til it's over

and then
shh
shh

You get the idea.

Yeah, that's me right about now.

I say...BRING ON THE NOISE!

******************************************

All of that being said...I'm lying a little bit.

A lot of bit actually.

I totally have a crush on someone.

Oh god. Why me?

Why can't it all just be easy?

Why must I pine for someone?

Why do I have to be a woman?

What can I do, but sit around and wait for this man to notice me?

Why hasn't he noticed me?

It's taken every ounce of strength not to actually jump into his lap when I see him.

If I were a man and things were reversed I'd have asked him out already and I would know if my feelings were just hanging out out here all alone or whether they were going to be reciprocated at some point.

But then again, the shear agony of not knowing is often what makes a crush so sweet. Cause, what happens when you get your answer and you don't like it?

I'm not ready for that.

If that turns out to be the truth...then Jack Nicholson said it best:

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

I mean...let's face it...I started my blog today with a total lie.

"Peace" my ass!

I'm freakin' dyin' ova hea.

I feel like I'm in high school.

Every time I see this person the world becomes all minty and fresh...like I just bit into a York Peppermint Patty.

I am serious!

What's a girl to do?

The other bits are true though...even though I'm walking on a cloud half the time these days...I've still got both of my feet planted firmly on the ground. (How is that possible?)

Maybe Dr. D is right and our work here is through. Maybe adding a man doesn't have to mean adding a dash o' crazy after all.

Well, there's only one way to find out...

"In Yo Face!"(book)

I stole that from a friend, but I like it, so there it is.

So, it's looking like my days on Facebook are numbered. I've enjoyed catching up with some folks who I haven't spoken to in years, and it's been nice to have easy access to other friends on a daily basis, but as of late, Facebook has become more of a problem in my life than a solution, and something's gotta give.

First was the incident several months back when my cousin DELETED me cause of something that another family member had posted on her page. Yes, that's right, I hadn't posted it, someone else had. Yet I got deleted. Um...what? Turns out she was confused about an email I had sent her and she incorrectly remembered that private email as a public comment posted for the world to see. And even though we ironed those details out, she never re-added me. We are no longer friends in real life.

Then there are the countless status updates of friends thanking other friends for the "good time" they had at so and so's party, or whatever, or pictures from a night out . Those are well and good...unless you weren't invited. In that case: OUCH!

And let's not forget Tall Dark Handsome Stranger. Would things have played out differently if I had just called the dude? Yeah, in one way or another they most certainly would have. Doesn't mean it would have resulted in a date, but now we will never know because I was too much of a chicken to call him like a normal person. And now I've deleted him. Cause I'm just as much of a jerk as the next person apparently.

How many of us have fallen victim to the "Green Light Stalk"? You know what I'm talking about...you email someone and they haven't responded yet, but you know they are online RIGHT NOW cause you can see that little green light next to their face in the chat window, so you stare at it willing them to Instant Message you and NOTHING HAPPENS! Then they SIGN OFF! It's infuriating!

Or worse yet, you aren't the stalker, but the stalkee and someone lashes out at you because you haven't IM'd them back, but that's only because YOU AREN'T EVEN SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER! You are most likely going pee, making breakfast, or on a phone call, etc. but that's just not allowed! You MUST respond RIGHT NOW! Or else you are really gonna get it.

I for one don't like to be ignored. I understand. But our sense of entitlement to another persons comings and goings has gotten completely out of control. We are available by phone, text, chat, and twitter these days and quite frankly, I've never had worse bouts of miscommunication. Tone is completely lost because we are trying to communicate in as few words as possible and then fights ensue. It's ridiculous people!

I am guilty of every Facebook sin there is. Green light stalking, having my feelings hurt because I wasn't included in some fun thing, deleting people out of anger, being so vain that I think your status is about me (Thank you Carly Simon). It's got to stop. Not to mention the hours I spend doing NOTHING on there! I can't even tell you how I do it, cause I'm literally doing NOTHING! It's like being sucked into a JJ Abrams plot where time ceases to exist on a continuum.

So, two days ago an ex-boyfriend friend requested me. It was late. I had just gotten off work. I didn't put too much thought into it and I accepted his friend request. Well, when I woke up the next morning there was comment on my page from him thanking me and telling me he liked my blue dress. Harmelss right? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We aren't friends in real life anymore for a reason! I don't like you! I don't want to look at your picture on my page when I sign on every day! I don't want to hear what you have to say! I most certainly don't hate this person. But...just the thought of him peering into my life on a regular basis (hello creepy!), having an opinion about the things I do and say (nobody asked you)...I don't want that anymore. If I did, we'd hang out. So, I deleted him. And of course I was the proud owner of a nasty email the next morning as a result. AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

I really don't know what to do. I like being able to keep in touch with my sister-in-law. I like that people have access to my blog. And I like knowing where my loved ones are and what they are doing...especially those who are far away. BUT, my feelings have been hurt more times that I'd like to admit. I feel stupid even saying that out loud. What am I, twelve!? And being deleted by a family member when they have about 400 strangers on their page goes beyond insulting. It's a level of "Wow, really?" that can't be measured.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. I might just keep a few tried and trues, but even so...I still see things that irritate me on the most beloved of my peeps pages. I'm not sure I need all of this bullshiz in my life taking up space in my brain when I should, would, could be thinking about other things.

I might just need everyone to get out of my face(book).

John Hancock

Aah the power of suggestion
So very tried and true
But when I said "You WILL Bring Me Flowers"
I did not mean from YOU*

They showed up on a Wednesday
In front of my whole crew
I thought they were from Mama
Cause that's what she likes to do

Now I find it most embarrassing
Though the gesture is what stands
Flowers from your Mama
Don't smell as sweet as from a man

But alas there was no card
And that's not how Mama rolls
So for three days I thought hard
This is how that story goes:

Day one: Suspecting Mama
For she loves her baby through
Day two: Suspect Ex-Lovers
But which one's most likely to?

Day three: It dawns upon some
It's Keith, it's Keith, it's Keith!
I dare say sha'nt believe it
For that is beyond belief

Could it be "Tall Dark Handsome Stranger"?
Could it be "New Crush"?
Could it be "Old Boyfriend"?
An old friend getting back in touch?

Regardless there was hoping
And debating and the like
But on day three he did come forward
And said flowers were from Mike

Now Mike is a nice guy
About the nicest you could meet
And to receive some flowers
Is undoubtedly a treat

But Mike is not the guy for me
And this I know is true
I wish him all the best
And there is nothing more to do

But I will say for those three days
Oh The Possibilities!
Next time dude, just sign the card
To save one from hope of these!

The last thing you want a girl to do
When you send her flowers
Is find out that they are from you
And cause her tear drop showers

Now you may say I am ungrateful
But I promise you, no way
I asked for flowers and I got 'em
Now what more can I say?

*This blog and this poem are meant for entertainment purposes only and is not intended to hurt "Mike's" feelings. There was just no way in hell I wasn't going to address this in my blog.

The Island of Lost Men

So, last week I mentioned meeting a "Tall Dark and Handsome Stranger" and I had questioned whether or not that meeting was "To be continued"...Well...I guess it's not. After said stranger gave me his card at the MOCA party I assumed that that meant he wanted me to contact him...I mean what else was I supposed to think, right? I emailed him on Facebook and said "It was nice meeting you yada yada" and he emailed back asking how the rest of the night turned out. I told him, he responded, then I responded to that...and now, you guessed it:

Crickets.

Chirping.

That was a week ago.

Over the last few days, like all women do, I've asked all of my girlfriends (and boyfriends) what the the deal is with this nutso scenario. Here is what they've had to say:

Girl 1: He probably only dates girls in their 20's.

Me: Please hold while I go kill myself.

Girl 2: He's probably gay.

Me: Um...

Guy 1: Maybe he's shy.

Me: Shyness isn't one of the topics covered in "He's Just Not That Into You" or "The Rules".

Girl 3: Burn "The Rules". That book should be banned.

Me: But I already memorized it...

Guy 2: He' probably just really busy.

Me: I'm pretty sure that's French for "He's just not that into you."

Guy 3: I think you just attract assholes.

Me: Thanks. That's nice.

I think it would be nice to know what happened between the night we met and that last email to make a guy decide that he doesn't even want to take me on one date just to see what it would be like? Why was he "into me" one minute and not the next? I find that when you don't know the answer to this question it will just nag and nag at you til you just wanna rip your hair out. Perhaps I can learn something valuable from the answer. After all, back in second grade, I was told that there are no stupid questions. And I'm not the only person that's faced with this either. I hear these stories from women over and over and over...and over...and (you get the picture).

A girlfriend of mine, let's call her Z, loves to tell me this story of an amazing date that she went on with this one guy. She really liked him and thought that they had totally hit it off...then, she didn't hear from him for a week. Sounds familiar right? Yes, cause we've all been there. But what makes this story different is that after a few more days this guy did something completely unheard of. He called Z and said to her, "Hey, I'm sorry that I sort of just disappeared. I think you are really great, and I had a great time hanging out with you, but I've decided to give things with my ex another chance." Now, this guy did not owe Z this explanation. People are free to come and go in and out of our lives as they please, but what this did for her was let her know exactly where she stood and that she hadn't made some ridiculous dating blunder. She was free to move on without ever giving the experience a second thought...except maybe this: "Wow, what a stand up guy. That was nice of him."

Yes. It was.

My thing is this, I was minding my own business the other night. I was not making eyes at this guy. I did not approach this guy. I was just living my life...and then he came up and invited himself into it...Twice. And when he gave me his card he said something like "Hey, I have a great group of friends who live out in Venice. It would be great for you to come hang out some time". Now, I don't know about you, but I read that to mean: "Hey I have a great group of friends who live out in Venice. It would be great for you to come hang out some time." Call me crazy.

Speaking of crazy...how come a person can just not respond to an email, which last time I checked is bad manners and kinda rude, but if you care enough to ask them about it you are considered psycho? Isn't that sort of a leap?

There's a great Sex and the City episode where Carrie gives her number to that alcoholic and he never calls her. The following scene unfolds like so (this is not verbatim, but from memory, so forgive me if I don't quote it exactly):

Carrie: ...and he hasn't called.

Miranda: I give him three more days and then send him to "The Island of Lost Men".

Carrie: I don't want to send him there, he was so cute. (Gasp) Maybe he thinks I'm ugly!

Miranda: Oh my god, a guy doesn't call you and now you're ugly?

And this is the exact conversation that a cricket chirping (aka-silence) situation will bring forth. Carrie knows she's a great catch so it's hard for her to imagine why this cute guy who she had a fun coffee with doesn't want to pursue something further.

And that's exactly how I feel...minus the coffee.

I know I'm not ugly and he certainly WAS cute, but I think he's about to take a little trip.

Bon Voyage!