Bring Me a Dream

It is 9:48pm Sunday night. I usually post ye olde blog on Monday mornings, but I won't have time to do it tomorrow and by Tuesday the thoughts swimming through my brain this evening may be lost and forgotten...so here I am.

I am exhausted. Physically exhausted. I've finally started my long awaited Yoga Teacher Certification training and it is quite the experience. That's another subject for a future blog, but the point is, although I am beyond tired, I was compelled to climb out of bed and address something...or is it someone? Mr. Sandman...Mr. Sandman can you hear me?

Yes Mr. Sandman, I am talking to YOU. Now, in the song it says "Bring Me a Dream/Make Him the Sweetest That I've Ever Seen"...you know the rest.

So WHAT THE HELL was that all about last night?

I do not appreciate having old boyfriends from the quite distant past coming into my dreams and proposing marriage. No, I do not appreciate it at all. What on Earth were you thinking? And why HIM?! He wasn't sweet. He was a total Jerk!

So, for the rest of you who aren't Mr. Sandman, let me tell you to whom I am referring.

About seven years ago I had a boyfriend, let's call him Joseph, who wasn't very nice to me. He didn't beat me or anything like that, but he was extremely "busy" all of the time and whenever he did have time to spend with me, everything was always on his terms. He totally took me for granted and even though I let him...that still wasn't nice of him.

Five years later (so two years ago) he came back into my life. I figured that since he already knew what I expected from him that this time he was ready to provide. I was wrong. We did an instant replay of exactly the same relationship that we had had before and it ended in exactly the same way which went something like this: He completely cut me off and I went psycho (yes, both times---I'm a slow learner). It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud.

I will never be able to explain what it was about this guy that made him so irresistable to me, but he was. Just one of those things I guess.

So, the second time around, I got over it rather quickly. I mean, I had already had to get over him once, so by now I was pretty good at it. I've rarely thought of him since. I mean, yeah, I'll use him as a reference point when talking to girlfriends about their disfunctional relationships and whatnot, but I no longer pine for him or wish things were different. I know better and as the years have gone by I've sort of been able to be happy that I didn't end up with him. It would have ended by now anyway. We were incompatible in too many ways.

But then last night my goddamn subconscious had to go and scrape the bottom of the man barrel and give Joseph a starring role in a very vivid and hopeful dream! WHAT THE F?!?!?!?! I mean seriously, is that the best I could come up with? Out of all the guys I've known in my life and all of the people in the world I have to dream that HE proposes to me!? Thanks. Thanks a heap.

There's nothing worse than waking from a dream in which you are madly in love with someone and they are madly in love with you, only to find that it's just a freakin' dream and no such thing is true or is ever going to be true.

It's shameful that even in the deep dark corners of my mind that I would still wish for such a thing. And let me tell you, I was ECSTATIC in this dream! I mean, it was like he had FINALLY realized what a gem I was and was ready to do things right this time.

Ugh. Humiliating. I probably shouldn't even be blogging about this...that's how gross it is.

So now tonight, I was lying in bed, trying to come down from Yoga Bonanza...which let me remind you all is a time when my head is clear of all of these ridiculous thoughts...and the dream started to creep back...along with the memories. The good, the bad and the ugly. I knew what was going to happen if I stayed in bed. I was going to dream about this schmuck again.

Well, I'm not having it. So, I am here pleading my case. Leave me alone. Let me rest in peace tonight. That little scar that heartbreak can leave is feeling a bit tender. Let's not rip it open again.

Not tonight.

And if you must...then "bring me a dream" that doesn't make my waking life resemble a nightmare.

Nighty Night