Tuesday, May 25, 2010

*Tumbleweeds

I got absolutely NOTHIN' to talk about.  But, I'm committed to this freakin' blog, so I'm gonna pull something out of my ass just for you.

The first order of business is that I've decided to try some stand-up.  After unlocking my "Kundalini" (aka Creativity) energy last week via an intense yoga session, some jokes just started coming to me.  Well, it didn't exactly happen like that.  I did the yoga, then I later moved on to doing laundry and when I was in the garage folding my clothes this crazy monologue of jokes just started rising to the surface.  I'd tell 'em to you, but then it wouldn't be a surprise when you come see me at the comedy club.  Bah!  I mean, I hope they are jokes, cause if I get up in front of people with a microphone and it turns out it's just a bunch of random stupid idiotic thoughts that are going to embarrass me after I tell them to strangers then that's going to really suck.

Hmmm...what else?  I went to a really fun birthday party last week.  I mean, I think it was really fun, I was pretty drunk, so maybe it was super boring and lame, but I remember it being fun, so I'll just go with that.  There were some minor celebrities there and that's always cool in my book.  Especially when they happen to be two of the hottest guys you've ever met, which they were.  Neither of them could have been less interested in me, but whatever.  I can still enjoy an attractive man even if he's blowing me off, actually, especially if he's blowing me off.  I really seem to be into that.  The party was for a guy I kinda sorta dated about six years ago.  He's a hysterical comedian.  He's really cute too.  Things didn't work out with us cause I think I remind him of some parts of himself that he really really hates.  I have that affect on a lot of people.  He likes to point out things that make me feel insecure and then when I tell him he's being mean to me he says it's all in my head.  It's totally dysfunctional and as a result, I pretty much want to marry him.

I don't know if it's coming across, but I'm feeling pretty down and out today.  I've basically gotten to a point where I cannot imagine a scenario EVER happening where I will meet someone.  I just think this whole schtick has gone on too long.  It's become too big.  It has completely taken over.  A friend of mine recently said to me, "Nobody feeds the hungry", basically meaning that as long as I stay desperate to find someone to love, I never will.  Another friend said to me tonight, "As soon as you stop giving a shit, someone's going to come along."  Well, guess what?  They are never coming then, cause I'm never going to stop giving a shit.  Humans are social animals, we are meant to meet other people and pair up and procreate and do all of that stuff.  I told her it'd be like me not being able to wear a shirt and then someone saying, "Just don't worry about it.  As soon as you stop caring that you don't have a shirt on, someone will let you borrow one of their shirts."  Um, okay.  I'll just walk around topless like it's not bothering me.

Mr. Sandman was nice enough to scrape the bottom of the man barrel again this week.  I had a dream that Christopher Robin (from previous blog) and I were totally madly in love.  I hate having to wake up from those dreams.  I already wrote a blog about a similar situation a few months ago, so I won't go into what that feels like, but it's rad that my subconscious keeps doing that to me.  And by "rad" I mean totally fucked up and obnoxious and cruel.  I'm hoping it was one of those premonition dreams that I've been having lately.  I swore today that when I was at Whole Foods I was gonna run into him, but I didn't.   So, yeah, so far it was just a pointless dream meant to make me super depressed about what I want and don't have.

This blog sucks.  I promise to have something fun to talk about in the near future.  For now, I'm going to put you and myself out misery and stop typing.

*This blog was titled "Tumbleweeds" today because I am obviously experiencing a drought, but there are a few random things blowing around and that's all I had.  I hope you didn't fall asleep while you were reading this.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Don't Cry For Me Argentina

So yesterday I had lunch with the family that I used to Nanny for.  The eldest child in that family, there are two girls, graduated from college yesterday.  This officially makes me old.

I really had to rally all of my self esteem to make an appearance at this thing.  It's hard to stay in contact with people who will always look at you as though you were/are "the help".  Yeah, yeah...I was "part of the family" yada yada.  Tell it to the judge.  I was a paid employee.

That's not to say that there's no love there cause there is, but it's complicated, like most things in life.

ANYWAY...I've stayed in touch with the college graduate over the years and after she moved to Lala Land to go to school, we formed a pretty strong friendship.  We think of each other as sisters.  I was honored and flattered and so happy to be included in this milestone in her life.  At the same time, I had a lot of anxiety about seeing her parents.  I never feel adequate around them.  I lived in their home during a pretty terrible time in my life and they were there to see it all.  The good, the bad and the ugly.

Through the years I've had a meal or two with the family and each time I seem to be doing something else, never really sticking to one thing and since we don't stay in contact and they never get to see any of my accomplishments, I always feel like I have to prove to them that I'm not some kind of loser.  It's pretty exhausting, especially because I don't think anything I ever do will impress them.

Well, this time around I'm in a pretty great place.  I have my yoga training under my belt.  I'm studying to be a nutrition counselor, I've written a musical and I've produced for a hit television show.  I have some things to really be proud of and feel good about.  So, I went to lunch yesterday locked and loaded and ready to go.  I was truly excited to see them and to share my new bright and sunny disposition.

It went well.  It took a while for everyone to warm up, but by the end of the FIVE COURSE! meal, the dad and I were really having a nice talk.

And here's where things get a little...eh.  While I didn't get to list my impressive resume of the last five years, we did start talking about my love life, or lacktherof.  Great.  I still don't have a clear answer for myself as to why things are the way they are and why I can't seem to find anyone.  This makes it hard to explain it to another person.  Especially another person who for some reason I depserately seek approval from.  I held my own though.  At least I didn't freakin' cry!  But, I'm not gonna lie, the tears were there, just teetering there behind my eyes BEGGING to be released.  Sometimes you just gotta say "no!"  So I did.  I know he could see that I was struggling though.  Ugh!!! And I almost had him believing that I had it ALL TOGETHER dammit!

It's just interesting to me how no matter what you do and how good you feel, that you can still feel inadequate if you don't have a significant other to validate your lovability.  Every man who knows me, including this one who knows me very well, is perplexed as to what I am doing all alone.  It seems to be quite the riddle.  Recently an ex came to visit me and he said, "I can't believe someone hasn't snatched you up yet".  Um, really?  Cause YOU didn't "snatch me up" either, so you should probably be able to believe it.  His comment is the part that's unbelievable.

I don't really know where I'm going with this today.  I'm just a little annoyed that this THING, this "being single" thing has to be a shadow that follows me around everywhere I go.  I'm convinced that my family thinks that I'm a lesbian as they have never seen me with a man.  Maybe the Nanny Family thinks I'm a lesbian too.

Maybe I should think about becoming a lesbian just so I don't have to deal with this anymore.  (Puke)

I know one thing is for sure, I'm getting pretty sick of fighting back the tears.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Top Five Women Who Are Apparently More Lovable Than I Am.

1.  Britney Spears-This pillar of society showed the world her vajayjay, shaved her head, locked herself in a bathroom with one of her children, and was hauled off to the looney bin in an ambulance, and NOW her daddy makes all of her decisions for her via a LEGAL conservatorship.  BUT! she is dating some smokin' hawt agent dude.

Um.

2. Paris Hilton-This little angel ALSO showed the world her vajayjay, but she didn't stop there.  She also let some douchebag film her having sex with him when she was like 19 years old.  I also heard from a reliable source that her A Cup boobs are fake, and we all know her eyes are not blue and her hair is not blond.  If she's not even happy with what she's got...how can anyone else be?

3. Anne Heche-Remember when she was lost in the desert and knocked on some strangers door talking about being abducted by aliens and seeing UFO's? She went on to marry a nice handsome fellow and he even procreated with her.

Awesome!

Call ME crazy, but...she doesn't seem like someone who's DNA you wanna go spreadin' around...

4. Jessica Simpson-Is this Chicken or is this Tuna?  Need I say more?  And then she went on to inspire Billy Corgan (one of my favorite artists of all time) to say that he LOVED her.  Wow.  But, according to John Mayer she takes it up the pooper, so nevermind.

Billy can love her all he wants.

Exit only thank you very much!

5. Dido-Apparently she and Jon Brion were engaged at one point.  Figures.  Every single song she writes is either about how she is a commitment-phob "Don't Believe in Love"or how she can't let go of something that has been long over  "I Will Go Down With This Ship".   She's either leading you on or stalking you.  Nice.  Yeah, marry HER, sounds like a good time.

It's hard not to be bitter in the light of these facts.

Now, I realize that I am not a celebrity, but I do play one on TV(actually, no I don't).

Anyway...

Guess if I wanna date in this town I'm either going to have to start hallucinating, acting like I don't know what tuna is, flashing my bits, or playing mind games with people.

Actually that doesn't seem too hard...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Now What?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand breathe.

Yesterday was my last day of Yoga Teacher Training.  It was more than I had could have possibly imagined.  I'm not going to try and describe what I learned or the transformation that has taken place.  It would be too hard.  It's just something you would have to experience for yourself.  Like being drunk, or stoned, or taking Ecstasy ...you simply cannot know unless you do it.  Notice that I chose things that alter consciousness to draw the parallel...yeah...that wasn't done loosely.  Make no mistake...Yoga isn't just exercise...that barely scratches the surface, it's SO. MUCH. MORE.  I'm going to leave it at that for now.  If you are curious, then get out there and try some Yoga, or if you are already a practicing Yogi/Yogini, look for ways to deepen your practice...you'll see what I mean;)

So...like I said, now what?  There are so many ways this thing could go.  I can open up my own studio, I can take on private clients, I can go into retirement centers, I can MOVE out of Los Angeles.  The possibilities are dang near endless.  Due to the generous support from my parents over the last two years, I am blissfully debt free (except for my stupid car).  I have no children, no significant other, absolutely NOTHING to tie me down.  I have this incredible freedom!  Normally I would say that I am terrified, but an extreme sensibility like that doesn't exist for me right now.  In this moment I am sitting in my lovely apartment at my cute little laptop in my comfy bathrobe contemplating some interesting thoughts.  Nothing terrifying going on right here and right now.  And right here and right now is all that is "real".  The rest is illusion.   I can imagine a better future, but that future won't exist until I create it.  I can imagine a dismal future, but again, that future will not exist until I create it and it becomes a present reality and I can tell you right now, I have absolutely ZERO intention of doing such a thing.  That would be lunacy.

My Teacher read an amazing quote yesterday by Krishnamurti and I will only be able to paraphrase, but it suggested that when we create the space, then big things will come to us.  Last week I started (without really understanding what it could manifest--space for NEW people) to create some space in my world of relationships by deleting all of the people from Facebook who I did not have a relationship with in real life.  

"Hot" didn't make the cut, he got clipped like the rest of the people who were needlessly cluttering cyberspace and my mind.  "Good bye Stranger, it's been nice.  Hope you find your Paradise."~Supertramp. (I think I've used this quote in my blog before, but it's just so appropriate for so many occasions...)

 It just started to feel strange and cluttered and unnecessary.  My next immediate step is to create some space in my apartment...starting with my closet.    So for the next two weeks, it's all about creating SPACE!...and then I will move on to the rest of my apartment.  All the while I will be creating space in my mind (with meditation) to make room for new ideas and in time,  the question of "Now What?" will have an answer.

I wonder if this idea will work with my bank account?  If I spend ALL of my money and create SPACE in my savings account, will BIGGER money come my way?  Hmmmm....sounds like an intriguing idea...

Right now, I'm going to take it breath by breath.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Material Girl

Had ANOTHER dream about "Hot".  This makes three in under a month...two of them on back to back nights.  This latest featured Hot asking me to attend a party with him.  You can imagine my surprise seeing as how even in my dream life I know I've ruined things beyond all repair.  So, of course when you are going to be seen in public with a guy like "Hot" you want to look your best.  You know, like you deserve to be with him.   There's nothing worse than being out in the world and seeing a super hot guy with an Ugly Girl (check out this awesome song by Fleming and John on this very subject).

Anyway, because I'm awesome and even in my dreams I have to F everything up, I spent the ENTIRE dream rummaging through my Mom's closet trying to find a purse and shoes to go with my dress.  Hot made two appearances in this dream, but we didn't get anywhere near first base as he spent his time in the dream talking on the phone to the people who invited us to the party.  Great.  So, what does THAT mean?

Well, I'm no psychoanalyst, but I play one on TV (uuuum, no, actually I don't), so let's try to see if we can understand what's happening here:

1) Hot is beautiful beyond all sense, but he's not very manly (can't make a move even if he knows it's a sure thing) and he's not really what I'm looking for in life other than that he's really super duper nice and did I ever mention how hot he is?  Sounds to me like I might be thinking of him more as a THING to posess and less as a person who might be a candidate to fulfill the role of "Better Half" in my life.  Hmmm...what sorts of "Things" are women attracted to in life?  Accessories maybe?  Accessories like purses and shoes???

2) Could it be that my hunt for the perfect purse and shoes ( Man) to go with my new dress (The New-Post Yoga School- Me) was a metaphor?  COULD IT!?!?  Cause I mean, here I spend the ENTIRE dream searching for something that simply doesn't exist in my Mom's closet.  The perfect shoes and purse would be existing in MY closet. (Sorry Mom, you're beautiful and wonderful and I love you very much.)

3) Now what the hell is the significance of looking in my Mom's closet?  First and foremost, I know I'm not going to find what I'm looking for...HOLY SHIZA BATMAN!...my Therapist was RIGHT!!!  I HAVE been looking to Hot to rework through some childhood crap.  Ugh!  Damn she's good.  Yeah, see I had called her two weeks ago to ask her what I should do about this Hot situation and she said, "Well, it sounds to me like you might be doing one of those-relive through a past situation in the hopes that you can get a different outcome than when you were a child-things."  That's not how she said it, but I just woke up, so give me a break.  Wow.  My subconscious is a genius.

4) Significance of Hot being on the phone the entire time:  He's Just Not That Into Me.  There.  I said it.  He can't see me.  Can't pay attention.  Doesn't know what he's missing.  And doesn't care.

I REALLY need to let it go now.  Jeez.  I wish he was ugly.  I really do.  It's hard to see that perfect row of Tiffany Pearls in the window and know that they just aren't for you.  You can't have 'em.  You can't afford them.  And they aren't even your style.  So fuggetaboutit.

I suppose the consolation is that there's something better (and more my style) waiting for me over at Cartier.  Or at least that's what I'm going to tell myself.

cause:

"If they don't give me proper credit, I just walk away-yay"~Madonna

Monday, May 3, 2010

False Advertising

So "Hot" is the star of a new ad campaign.  Bleah.  I can't tell you which one, but I can tell you that it's for a company that's based out of France and has a red bull's eye as it's logo.  I shop there.  A LOT.  Now I'm going to have to think of "Hot" every time I go there.  Great.  Good times.  The commercial follows "Hot" and his generic co-star as they meet, fall in love, get married, and have a baby.  Awe, how sweet.  So, if I shop at that store my life will get wrapped up in a pretty bow too!?!?!  Vomitoramagrande.

I love show biz.

Living in Hollywood is hard.  I was involved with a guy once (well, more than once) who produced the albums of every artist I had ever loved.  When he (let's call him Christopher Robin) decided we were through (well, I actually threw him out of my house, so I guess I had decided we were through) anyway, it ruined those artist's music for me.  He also did film composing for some of the best movies that have ever been made.  Also ruined.  Thanks a heap.  Please cease to exist ASAP so I can go back to loving music and film.  As the years have gone by I've slowly been able to look past some of this, but there's one artist who I simply cannot listen to to this day cause she had a relationship with Christopher Robin.  I hate her now.  I hate her and her crappy music.

When everyone is six degrees from Kevin Bacon, you can't help but have a thoughtful reminder thrown into even the most mundane of everyday tasks here.  Listening to the radio, watching TV, going to the movies...it all turns to shiz once you've dipped your toe into the Hollywood dating pool.

There's nothing worse than being passed on by someone and then ten minutes later you have to see them have a shining moment that includes them getting paid lots of money.  I don't know how celebrities do it.  If I were Jennifer Aniston, I would have killed myself the day that W spread of Brad and Angelina hit the newsstands.  Team Jennifer.  All the way.

Recently  I watched a series of music videos that "Hot" was in where he plays an Italian rock star who's going through a break-up with a super model...it was really hard not to barf all over my computer watching it.  The whole thing is just him and this beautiful woman pretending to be in love, fight, kiss, whatever.  Sick.  I can't tell you which videos but I can tell you that they were for an album that a young starlet with huge boobs made with an idie rocker who's initals are P.Y.

Christopher Robin is the king of this really cerebral music that he once labelled "Intellipop"...meaning intelligent pop music.  It's about love and stuff like most music is and when I listen to his album (yes, I still do...it's REALLY good) I can't help but think this one thing:  LIAR!

What's hard about loving an artist is that you have to keep in mind that the art and the artist AREN'T one and the same.  Just cause someone has a heartfelt idea, or can sell love by contorting their facial muscles (models/actors), doesn't mean that they are heart felt people, or that they are capable of love.  You inevitably fall in love with the product and not the person.  I certainly wasn't in love with "Hot", but I'm starting to think that he actually was a product and not a person at all.  Nobody that gorgeous was born of two mortels.  Surely not. He was created by machines.  I should have checked for a heartbeat.

I dated another guy who is a successful comedy writer.  Yes, you've seen his movies, and yes, you laughed your ass off.  Well, get a load of this...Most BORING individual I have ever met!  Seriously!  The guy had NOTHING funny to say.  EVER!  I kept waiting for the funny to come.  It never did.  I did  a lot of drinking when we were hanging out.  There was no other way to get through it.

I dated two guys from Sex And The City...you know what was funny about them?  They were both EXACTLY like their characters!!!  One had a horrifying temper (he never showed it to me, but he told me an f'ed up story once about beating the crap out of some dude...just like he did on the show) and the other was kinda stupid and boring, but really beautiful.  So, I guess it's not always smoke and mirrors.

Anyway, yeah, as predicted in a previous blog...another one bites the dust.  I don't care about "Hot" anymore.  I really don't.  He had a status update today on Facebook that had a type-o in it and I'm fairly sure it's still there.

Idiot.

Actually that's really harsh.  I have typo's all the time.  I'm just mad that he kissed the girls in the TV and didn't kiss me.  Oh well.

Have I learned my lesson?  Can I stay away from these "Industry" folks?  I don't know...

It depends on what they're sellin'.