So yesterday I had lunch with the family that I used to Nanny for. The eldest child in that family, there are two girls, graduated from college yesterday. This officially makes me old.
I really had to rally all of my self esteem to make an appearance at this thing. It's hard to stay in contact with people who will always look at you as though you were/are "the help". Yeah, yeah...I was "part of the family" yada yada. Tell it to the judge. I was a paid employee.
That's not to say that there's no love there cause there is, but it's complicated, like most things in life.
ANYWAY...I've stayed in touch with the college graduate over the years and after she moved to Lala Land to go to school, we formed a pretty strong friendship. We think of each other as sisters. I was honored and flattered and so happy to be included in this milestone in her life. At the same time, I had a lot of anxiety about seeing her parents. I never feel adequate around them. I lived in their home during a pretty terrible time in my life and they were there to see it all. The good, the bad and the ugly.
Through the years I've had a meal or two with the family and each time I seem to be doing something else, never really sticking to one thing and since we don't stay in contact and they never get to see any of my accomplishments, I always feel like I have to prove to them that I'm not some kind of loser. It's pretty exhausting, especially because I don't think anything I ever do will impress them.
Well, this time around I'm in a pretty great place. I have my yoga training under my belt. I'm studying to be a nutrition counselor, I've written a musical and I've produced for a hit television show. I have some things to really be proud of and feel good about. So, I went to lunch yesterday locked and loaded and ready to go. I was truly excited to see them and to share my new bright and sunny disposition.
It went well. It took a while for everyone to warm up, but by the end of the FIVE COURSE! meal, the dad and I were really having a nice talk.
And here's where things get a little...eh. While I didn't get to list my impressive resume of the last five years, we did start talking about my love life, or lacktherof. Great. I still don't have a clear answer for myself as to why things are the way they are and why I can't seem to find anyone. This makes it hard to explain it to another person. Especially another person who for some reason I depserately seek approval from. I held my own though. At least I didn't freakin' cry! But, I'm not gonna lie, the tears were there, just teetering there behind my eyes BEGGING to be released. Sometimes you just gotta say "no!" So I did. I know he could see that I was struggling though. Ugh!!! And I almost had him believing that I had it ALL TOGETHER dammit!
It's just interesting to me how no matter what you do and how good you feel, that you can still feel inadequate if you don't have a significant other to validate your lovability. Every man who knows me, including this one who knows me very well, is perplexed as to what I am doing all alone. It seems to be quite the riddle. Recently an ex came to visit me and he said, "I can't believe someone hasn't snatched you up yet". Um, really? Cause YOU didn't "snatch me up" either, so you should probably be able to believe it. His comment is the part that's unbelievable.
I don't really know where I'm going with this today. I'm just a little annoyed that this THING, this "being single" thing has to be a shadow that follows me around everywhere I go. I'm convinced that my family thinks that I'm a lesbian as they have never seen me with a man. Maybe the Nanny Family thinks I'm a lesbian too.
Maybe I should think about becoming a lesbian just so I don't have to deal with this anymore. (Puke)
I know one thing is for sure, I'm getting pretty sick of fighting back the tears.
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