Zen

Well, I told you in a previous post that I change my mind from one moment to the next (which is why one should pretty much never listen to me) and ooops, I've done it again.

Just yesterday I stated that I would be giving LA three months and then I would be re-evaluating the situation here, but yesterday I did something that has now turned me into a liar. I registered to become a Certified Yoga Instructor. Classes start March 26th and end May 9th. So, needless to say, I'm going to be here for at least another five months. This decision was made rather spontaneously, but it is an idea that I have toyed with off and on over the years and the timing just seemed right, so I just dove in. It's expensive and it's a huge time commitment, but I mean, hey...it's YOGA. It's good for you. All I was going to do was look into the training and sort of see what was up, but then I saw that "early registration" was over today and if I waited to sign up it was going to cost $300 more. Well, that's $300 that I could put towards re-doing the floors in my bedroom, so now I can justify it! Win win.

This past week or so has been a blissful change from the norm. I am usually doom and gloom at all times because I'm single. I complain about it all day long, wonder aloud why it so, and basically spend hours and hours of each day imagining fantasy scenarios just so I can feel as though I'm participating in some way in a loving relationship. Not anymore! I've created so many projects for myself that I'm simply too busy to worry about it, or even think about it really. I'm usually bored without a crush. In fact, I often say "life is boring when you don't have a crush on someone", but I just don't feel that way right now. It's great! I feel like I have a lot of things to be excited about and a lot to look forward to and not one single thing on that list includes a man. Free at last, free at laaaaast!!!

I've now decided that I am going to buy the "Rosetta Stone" for French. If I'm going to go to France in June, I will have plenty of time between Feb and June to get some of the information under my belt. I've always wanted to learn how and now I can. This too is expensive. The expense of things is usually what keeps me from them, but I am going to be coming into just a little bit of money next month and it is going to change my life. It's amazing what a very small amount can do, trust me, it's not very much, but it's that extra little bit that's going to make all of the difference. My last therapist used to always say "I never saw a problem that throwing money at made worse". And ain't it the truth?

So, between the blog, the French, the trip to France, the yoga, the acting and most likey the guitar, I've got plenty to keep me busy and keep my mind off of boys. Which is exactly how I want it.

Peace

Random

I have decided to give LA about three more months. After that time I will re-evaluate whether or not I should move back home. Apparently the "artist" in me isn't ready to throw in the towel. In that vein I will be auditing a new acting class after the first of the year. I'm pretty excited. I've been dying to know what would have happened if I had applied myself ten years ago and actually REALLY given acting a shot. There's no doubt that I would have booked some work. And no telling how much money I could have made or how awesome or even not so awesome some of that work could have been. It's time to find out. Yes, I'm ten years older, but...apparently we are all going to live to be like 120 years old or something, so 35 is really like the new 15. I should be fine.

I'm also very seriously considering getting certified to become a yoga instructor. A girl that I used to work with at the restaurant just did this recently and she was able to find work right away. This is an idea that I toyed with years ago, but I didn't have the money at the time. Now I do. So, yeah, I think I'm gonna go for it. It's nice cause it's still social, it's healthy, and I will still have the freedom to make my own schedule and pursue other things. And yes, I love yoga. Perfect.

Other ideas that I'm toying with:

Guitar lessons-My god it's hard to think about stuff like this. Again, if I'd stuck with the guitar lessons when I was taking them eight or so years ago, who knows how good I would be by now? Jeez.

France in June with my brother-Never been, always wanted to go. As long as we have separate rooms (I had to learn the hard way once) we should be fine.

A new car-Possibly the dumbest idea I will ever admit to having here in this blog. A new car is the WORST idea! Doesn't stop me from wanting one though...hehehe

Finishing the floors in my apartment-Again, what the hell am I thinking? Putting money into a rental? Am I mental? Well, but I have to live here...and carpet is stank nasty.

Finally buying a kitchen table-This would be the civilized thing to do. I haven't had one in in almost seven years. I eat in front of the tube or at my desk. I think it's time. IKEA probably misses me anyway.

Man, well, I feel like a bit of a failure this morning. I wish I had better tidbits to share. I guess I'm just preoccupied because I know I have some errands to run and yesterday I got stuck waiting that the Smog Check place for an hour and half, but the guy still couldn't see me and I had to go to work, so now I have to go back today and I don't want to get stuck waiting another hour and a half today. Although, it's raining, so I doubt there'll be much of a wait today.

This was my Facebook status after coming home from the Smog Check place yesteray:

*Smog check guy: "Come back in one hour". Me: "Okay" (one hour later)...Smog check guy: "Can you wait about 30 minutes?" Me: "Okay" (30 minutes later as some other (new) guy pulls in to where you get your smog checked)...Smog check guy: "Can you wait another 10 minutes?" Me: (crickets chirping as I drive away). ~Thanks smog check guy, looking forward to hoping it's my turn at some point tomorrow. A@#$hole.*

Anyhoo, I guess some posts just won't be as substantial as others and I'm just going to have to live with that.

Until next time.

Does This Make Me Look Fat?

I have been trying to lose five pounds for the last five years. I've gained ten instead.

Now, to be fair I was super duper thin ten pounds ago. I was a size two and weighed 118 pounds. I'm 5'6". I wanted to lose five pounds back then cause I had been even thinner the year before (size 0, 108 lbs) and I was growing out of the clothes that I had been wearing over the last two years. I suppose I wish I'd just been happy with what I had, cause I can tell you, I've since grown out of the next stage of clothing and am about to move on into a size six. This is not going to make me happy.

I know...cry me a river. A size six is still considered "small" in our society as a whole, but you have to remember, I live in Hollywood. This isn't "society as a whole". This is another planet. On this planet, self indulgence and self denial are the only two modes of operation...indulge the ego, deny the self. Welcome to my world.

I've tried loving my body. I really have. I tried for like a whole five minutes once. I couldn't do it. I LIKE my body. I wouldn't really want somebody else's, but at the same time, I can't really be happy with mine until I see that it's living up to it's full potential. And it's just not. For being a relatively small person I have REALLY BAD cellulite. I mean, like...horrendous! Even when I was 108 pounds I had it, but at least my muffin top wasn't spilling over my low rise jeans and I didn't have to unbutton my pants after every meal. Nowadays not only do I have cellulite, but my arms are back to jiggling when I wave...actually my arms WAVE when I wave, and I swear, they are getting bigger every single day. In addition to that, I'm back to having handfulls of back fat, and my calves have gotten so big that when I was in a ballet class two years ago I couldn't just point my toe and then bring my leg back to first position in one straight line move (as is required), I actually had to drag one leg AROUND the other to get around the meat. Ugh. And don't get me started on my three stomach rolls. I tell you what, they were adorable when I was a baby, but as an adult, it's just gross. Last but not least, my inner thighs. As if it weren't insulting enough to have mounds of cellulite on the outside of my legs, on the inside is a nice chunk of padding that's really good for messing up the lines of jeans and rubbing together and being all sweaty and disgusting in the summer. Calgon, take me away.

Why did I gain all of that freaking weight back???? I was HAPPY as a size 0. I didn't even have to try clothes on when I was that size. They are all designed for rails and that's what I was and so of course everything looked good. Any trend, whatever the models and starlets were wearing, it was mine for the taking. And I have to say, that feels great. I'm not gonna lie. Now I have to work around certain new trends, find ways to either make them work, or work around and do without them all together. And being left out is no fun. No fun at all.

How did I get so thin in the first place? Well, I'm glad you asked...I worked out for 2 hours a day...almost every day, and I drank about a six pack of diet coke per day and smoked cigarettes. I ate, but not much. Breakfast? Check. (1/2 banana before the gym). Lunch? Check. (No sugar added ice blended from Coffee Bean). Dinner? Check. (3-4 Diet Roy Rogers'). I know I ate other stuff too. I was always mooching food from my brother cause he ate yummy naughty foods that I wasn't used to, I baked and ate a lot of cupcakes, I ate 5 donuts once at a family gathering, I was vegan at one point and there was a lot of soy chicken nugget eating, a lot of vegan mac n cheese and then when I wasn't being vegan there was a lot of no carb munchin' going on as well. So, believe me...I ate. I even had a boyfriend for a few months and we ate all of the time.

What had happened was, I started by eating lower carbs and working out more than usual. I went to the Y first thing every morning and did one hour of cardio and then I would take my dog to Runyon Canyon. When I got my commercial agent and started auditioning, sometimes I would skip a meal depending on what I had to wear for the audition (most of the time it was a bikini or some other revealing outfit) and after a while, your body just gets used to running on empty...actually prefers it. It's a strange shift. Where I'm completely obsessed with food right now because I feel it is my enemy, at that time, I sometimes had to force myself to eat because I knew I wasn't getting enough, but sometimes I just wasn't in the mood. Something about being really thin gives you a sort of energy...especially when you're drinking as much caffeine as I was at the time. I dunno. The whole thing is weird. It's kind of like how the rich get richer, the thinner I was, the easier it was to get even thinner. Was I kind of anorexic? I really don't know. I never thought I was. I still don't think so, but...something was going on and I can't get it back whatever it was.

I've tried going back to the caffeine and cigarettes thing, but as I get older I just can't handle them. Number one, they are murder on the skin, and number two, I just don't have the tolerance. Caffeine makes me jittery and cigarettes make me feel like I have a cold all of the time. Plus, it just doesn't work unless I do the WHOLE package which as you will recall from earlier also includes working out for two hours every day.

I just want to say for the record that all of those skinny bitches that we see on T.V. are starving. Don't let any health magazine tell you any different. There are VERY VERY VERY few women who are naturally that thin, and yes, some of them are on T.V., but the majority of them just aren't eating. I can name several right now who come into my restaurant and order a chopped vegetable salad, no cheese, dressing on the side...every time they come in. You know who eats? Scarlett Johanssen. She's a ham and cheese gal, WITH fries. I don't know why Hollywood makes exceptions for some people. Scarlett and Kate Winslett get to look however they want (and yeah, they look great), but everyone else has to starve to death. I don't get it.

I grew up sort of chubby. My mom enrolled me into dance classes at the age of six cause she was worried that I was getting TOO chubby. I was very aware of my weight from a very early age because I had a slew of aunts and uncles who were all very very thin and they would make fun of me. That's a story for another post at some other time, but just a hint of background here...they were all very young, teens and pre-teens and they/we all grew up in a very disfunctional household, so...hence the making fun of the chubby little girl. No amount of therapy has ever been able to erase the damage done at that time. I still feel ashamed when I pack on a few pounds and when you mix that with what the media saturates us with, you've got amazing ingredients for a low self-esteem cocktail. I want to be thin. And that's just that.

So, I'm on this uphill battle to try and make body into something that it simply does not want to be. And now that I'm over 35, trying to win this battle gets harder and harder. My metabolism and hormones are working against me, my job is working against me (I'm surrounded by carby, fatty, yummy smelling food for seven hours straight four nights a week), and my lack of drive is against me. I just don't have it in me to workout for two hours a day.

I need to get happy with what I've got. I need to start liking healthier foods. And I need to get my ass back to the gym. But most importantly...I need to learn to love my body. I hate hearing that and I hate saying it even more. It just sounds so...I don't know...pathetic. But, I suppose it's true. I mean, I'm thankful for my health and I appreciate having all of my limbs and not being crippled or disfigured, but it has to go beyond that. It has to be above Vogue and above and beyond those television and big screen images. This love has to know better and be smarter than all of that.

And maybe if I can find it within my heart to love my body, maybe it will love me back...and surprise me...and be thin again.

Just kidding. Sorta.

She Works Hard For The Money

This morning I posted an ad on Craigslist making myself available as a "Part-Time Personal Assistant". I'm trying to transition out of my current job of waiting tables, or at the very least just make some extra cash. I've already gotten a response. It reads "Please send me your resume and a picture". Uuuuummmmm.....no. Why do they need to see my picture? And how about letting me know what sort of job you have in mind? When a person (and of course it was a man) responds with such a request, it makes you think that you may have a good idea EXACTLY what kind of job they have in mind. Ewe!

Am I just a paranoid freak? Have a I seen too many movies? I hate to turn down legitimate work, but I have no intention of sending the stranger a photo of myself so they can whack it. So what do I say? I'm pretty sure I'm just going to ignore it. The sorts of responses I was thinking I would get would be from overworked Mom's who need help doing odds and ends and would read something like this: "I have a dinner party on the 9th and could use some extra help running errands, setting up, etc.). Please let me know if you are available for this date." I made it clear that this was a project to project sort of business, so...yeah, this is sort of what I thought would be coming my way. Not so much.

****(a few hours later)*****

Oy vey. Okay, so I've gotten another bite on my craigslist post and the money is pretty darn good, but the job sounds boring and like it would take up too much time. This person wants to pay me $25 per hour plus mileage to drive around town for 3 hours a day picking up lawsuits from courthouses. Problem is, it's 3 days a week, possibly more. That's almost like having another full-time job as far as I'm concerned. Jeez. Am I being stupid about this? Too picky? I mean, money's money right? But I don't know, I think when the right thing comes along I will know. Somehow I don't think this is the job for me.

I also posted another ad offering to proofread and edit screenplays for writers who have English as their second language. THAT job sounds super fun cause, hello, it's reading scripts. There's no better way to get really good at writing them than reading them, plus, I can charge whatever I want. I posted $100 per script as my starting fee. How come nobody is responding to that post?

Sometimes I feel like having more money will solve all of my problems, but when the prospect of actually WORKING for that money arises, then I'm not sure if it's even worth it. I mean, I work part-time as it is, so you'd think I could handle tackling another 9 hours per week, but when I try to see myself actually doing that, the days begin to look crowded and like I won't have any time for myself. See, here's the thing...when you're scraping by, in order to make enough money to have EXTRA, you have to work more and when you work more, then you have less free time and then it's like...well, what's the point of having the extra money if I can't enjoy spending any of it? But maybe that's just cultural, or just the way I was raised or something. I should LEAP at the chance to make some extra cash and I should save every last red penny because, let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. And I have no savings, no 401k, no nothin' to retire on. And, yeah, I'm young....now, but I won't be young forever and if I don't start planning for the future, when will I? Ugh, maybe I should email this guy back...

WHY WASN'T I BORN RICH?!?!?!?

Oh My F-ing God!

Wow, so last night I was ichatting through Facebook with a "friend" of mine and in the middle of the ichat he DELETED me!!! We were talking about my dilemma of whether or not I should move from LA or not and as I've illustrated in my previous posts, this is a somewhat loaded topic. He ended up honing in on the friendship issue, and suggested that I smile and say "hi" to every single person that I come across. Now, I actually think this is a nice notion. I genuinely do. As a matter of fact, just yesterday I was in a public restroom and another woman came in and I smiled at her and she didn't smile back and I had this entire internal dialogue with myself about how inappropriate that is and "what the hell is this world coming to?", etc. I mean, people who don't smile back when they are smiled at are truly disturbed in my opinion. It's a huge pet peeve of mine. HOWEVER, when she came out of the stall and went to wash her hands, she turned to me and said, "Ugh! I hate it when you have food in your teeth and nobody tells you!" and then she laughed and we had a nice little exchange. I realized at that moment that her not smiling back at me was nothing. It wasn't personal, it wasn't cause she's a jerk, or hateful or unfriendly, it was because she had fucking lettuce in her teeth. Maybe she didn't notice my smile til it was too late and when she got in the stall she was all bothered and having her own internal dialogue about it. Anyway, the lesson for me was: Don't read into it too much when someone doesn't react to you the way you want them to. You never know what's going on with a person and often times, it doesn't mean anything.

Anyway...so when this "friend", let's call him "Michael" (that is not his name), suggested this shit-eating-grin thing to me I said to him, "I'm not saying I'm not going to do it" (cause I know that I am a bit standoffish and could work on that for sure), "but I do want to say, that you have absolutely no idea what kind of crap that invites". And what I meant by this is, in the past, on days when I've felt particularly open and positive and have decided to be more smiley and friendly, this has backfired on me. See, when you are a woman, which I am, and you smile at every single person you come across, some of those people take your friendliness the wrong way. They think you're flirting. This has been my experience anyway. And again, in my experience, this misperceived "flirting" is then acted upon by the other person, i.e., they end up getting all excited and then won't leave you alone and keep you engaged in conversation long after you are done being "friendly" and then ultimately end up asking you out. Which you then have to delicately work your way out of. And quite frankly, the whole thing is freaking exhausting and it gets awkward and then the other person's feelings are hurt and then you are a "bitch" and then the whole being nice thing is thrown right back in your face and you are sorry you ever smiled at anyone. Ever.

That's just my experience.

Now, I didn't go into all of that last night because this was ichat and as you can see, this explanation took up quite a lot of space and let's face it, when you say shit like this to men, they get all defensive and they think you are talking about them and then the original message gets lost and this all becomes about rejecting them and not some hypothetical person.

Okay, so I have my reasons for not being the most friendly person on planet Earth and while I think I can and should work on that a little bit, I feel that I should be given the respect that perhaps I have had one or two life experiences and that there is indeed a "method to my madness". All I wanted Michael to understand was that his suggestion was not fool proof. Instead of him seeing my point or validating that he cannot possibly conceive of how the world differs for a woman, he got caught up on the idea that I was not going to take his suggestion (which I hadn't completely rejected at all, on the contrary it will be a fun social experiment) and decided I was a lost cause and that if I was going to continue to "cling to the anchor" which was weighing me down that he could not stand by and watch. Hence the delete. After deleting me he sent me an email with his whole "anchor" speech and then blocked me so that I could not respond. Good one. Way to make sure you get the last word. Maturity at it's finest.

What ended up happening directly before Michael deleted me was he was getting ready to sign off and he said, "Hang in there kiddo" and I said, "Don't call me kiddo, you aren't my dad". And then I went to send something else and all of a sudden Facebook was telling me that I could no longer correspond with this person. So, that was it. If I don't let people refer to me in a way which I do not find pleasing, I'm out. Nice. Since when are you not allowed to say "I really don't like it when people call me (enter your version of kiddo here)"? Apparently since yesterday. So, beware, allow people to be condescending to you and refer to you however they please or else you may be erased from their lives forever.

Well Michael, let me tell you something. I cling to nothing. If you knew me any better and didn't make assumptions on my behalf, you would know that I often say one thing in the moment and feel something else entirely only a few moments later. One day I don't feel smiley, the next, "I'm Walkin' on Sunshine". It would do you good to understand that people go through shit and sometimes they just need someone to listen and understand. YOU on the other hand are clearly having a super fun time of reliving that episode (and therefore "clinging to the anchor") of when you were 17 years old and your father came home stumbling drunk, beat the shit out of you, and said you were worthless and lazy. And then you ran away from home and didn't speak to your entire family for years and years. You got the last word then, and you got the last word now. The problem is...I'm not YOUR dad! And I wasn't saying YOU are worthless just because I make a comment about the advice you are giving me. I actually thought it was decent advice.

I mention this episode because this is something that Michael shared with me on our first date (we only dated a week and it's been "over" for a few months) and I find that it is the episode that colors most of his responses in life. I've seen his comments on Facebook and I've seen his interactions with other people and heard him tell stories of how he sometimes relates to people and there is one common thread to each of these communications between Michael and the rest of the world and that is this: He seems to be forever trying to correct this one scene from his past (which is what people do when they are overreacting---just incase you wanted to know why people over react...this is it. They are trying to "past correct"). He is constantly putting people "in their place" and it's most likely what he wishes he could have done all of those years ago with his dad.

I feel sorry for Michael. I think he needs a shit ton of therapy. To be 40 years old and act the way that he does is nothing short of pathetic and one can only have pity for such a person.

I, on the other hand, am feeling pretty good today. I'm still not sure what my next step in life is going to be, but my load just got lighter and for that, I am grateful...and have a smile on my face:)

Better Off Dead (Part III of III)

Well, I should start by saying that I really should have thought this whole Part I-III thing through. Knowing that I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to feel from one day to the next, or what I'm going to want to write, why on Earth would I put myself into a corner where I absolutely MUST tackle a certain subject today? The guy issue is LOADED and complex and has so many layers!!! There's no way I'm going to be able to explain how it is that I've been single for the past 10 years in just this one post alone. I'm going to have to narrow it down a bit and perhaps give the top 10 reasons why I think I've been single for so long.

Top 10 Reasons

(why I think I've been single for so long)

1. There are no more "Rules" for dating

Remember the days when a man would come to your front door and your parents would usher him in to the living room where he would wait for you to descend the stairs and he would be sweating like a pig for fear that your father was going to shoot him in the leg and your mother was going to call his mother and shame his whole family if he didn't have you home by a certain hour and treat you with respect and dignity? Me neither.

These days there is no accountability. There is no system of checks and balances. No protocol. I just finished a Jane Austen movie marathon a few days ago (yes, it's been a bad last few weeks) and I just can't get over what a mess we've made of things over the last 100 or so years. I do not suggest that we return to that way of being, but somewhere between there and hear seems like it would be a good place for society as a whole to aim.

It used to be that if a man was attracted you, he'd ask you out and if you were attracted to him as well, you'd accept his offer and then you were pretty much a couple unless your family disapproved or some other huge obstacle got in your way. Nowadays, a man is attracted to you and about 30 other women, he can't decide which one he likes best, decides to sleep with all of them, and continues on this pattern until he's about 92 years old and can't be bothered to pick up his Viagra at the pharmacy.

Meanwhile, women keep falling for every romantic line they hear, chasing men who cannot be pinned down, losing more and more of their self esteem as our culture and the media shovel the notion that if you aren't 20 with the body of a 12 year old boy then you aren't worth taking up space or oxygen on this planet, and growing more and more bitter yet desperate. Which then becomes a catch-22 because the more bitter and desperate you become, the less and less a man will want you. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, but I find that these exceptions are reserved for either very stupid women or very homely women. Because those are the only ones who I seem to see walking around with pregnant bellies and wedding rings. I imagine that this can be explained by the fact that if you marry a very stupid woman, you can cheat on her more easily and if you marry a homely woman, then the chances that she will cheat on you are very slim as who else would want her besides you?

Oh. My. God. Did I really just say that? Do I really believe that? What is happening to me???

Back to explaining women getting bitter...So, how many of us have gone on a splendid date with a man, maybe even two or three, and then you just never hear from him again? What the hell is that? Is it really so hard to pick up the phone and have an awkward moment where you explain, "Hey it was great getting to know you, but..."? I mean, how hard is that? I have a girlfriend who likes to tell the story of the guy she went on an amazing date with who ended up calling her a few days later to tell her that he had a great time with her and really thought she was a swell gal, but that he was going to try and patch things up with his ex who had suddenly reappeared in his life. This isn't the dream scenario that we've all been waiting for in life, but it's a great move on his part because it does several things:

1) It gives our girl closure. she knows that nothing she said or did caused this man to lose interest and she can rest easy on those counts.

2) It lets her know that he did in fact like her and respect her and this helps to keep her self esteem in tact (and I'm not saying anyone's self esteem should rest solely on what others think of us, but let's face it we ALL care what others think and if we deny that fact, we are lying---it's animal, we are social creatures, acceptance is key to survival).

3) It creates a dynamic wherein if these two individuals shall ever cross paths, everyone is on the same page and there need not be any awkwardness or confusion and in fact such a scenario can even play out as pleasant, whereas if you consider the alternative (where the man just drops off the face of the planet and the woman not only thinks that she's done something horribly wrong or is dreadfully unlikable, but that the man is a huge asshole), a meeting between the two can feel terribly uncomfortable and filled with animosity. Why create such a situation?

I can tell you right now that I will not be adding anything else to my "Top 10" list. I believe that all of my problems stem from this one issue alone. And I don't only blame men. There are women out there who are entitled, and cruel, and just down right crazy who ruin it for the rest of us. They drive men away from their natural instincts because the men feel they will get "burned" again. But, I'm not here to write a man's point of view. I don't believe I could even if I were to attempt it.

Of course I have issues and baggage just like the next gal, but if there were some type of protocol, I would have an easier time managing myself because when you know what to expect from another person and are ALLOWED to have SOME expectations, then you can prepare. And "success is when preparation meets opportunity". (That's a famous quote by a man named Henry Hartman)...I just googled it to make sure I gave proper credit. I have no idea who Henry Hartman is. Anyway, closure is important for me. If I don't get it...one word...MENTAL! I totally lose it and then the guy feels justified in dumping me cause then I really do seem crazy and ill fit to be with anyway, but it isn't true. I promise.

I'm going to end here for today, but this is by no means the end of this subject...only the beginning.

Good day.

Better Off Dead (Part II of III)

I decided to make this a 3 part post because I know that there is no way in HELL that I am going to get through the "no man" portion of this today. As a matter of fact, I think that I'm going to give each man his own blog as what "You WILL Bring Me Flowers" is really about at it's core is the fact that I'm single and hating it...and I don't understand men and it's fun to talk about and even more fun sometimes to write about.

Anyway, this is "Part II" of my previous post and it will skim over the career aspect of my failings here in Hollywood.

"CAREER" (what a laugh)

Now about that career...I moved here to act. I pursued it very lightly for about 2 years. I had a commercial agent. I couldn't afford acting class at the time (still can't really) and I didn't think a theatrical agent would take me without any formal training. My commercial guy was good though...very good. I was out there every day, sometimes 5 auditions in one day, and I even booked a few jobs, but in that period of time I never hit the jackpot so to speak (no national commercial spots for me) and the pay wasn't very good. It got to the point where starving myself (okay, I didn't starve I ate cigarettes and drank diet coke)...while working out for 2 hours a day, driving all over town, changing my clothes in the street, putting my hair up, then taking it down, covering my blemishes, walking around in front of strangers in a bikini and not really having anything to show for it (cause there's always someone younger and thinner than you) started to take it's toll. I quit. Just like that. I decided to go back to school.

That (school) has been a constant ever since. I might take a semester off here and there, but I am always studying something...first it was English and Modern Art, then Piano and Ballet (I have a dance background), and most recently Screenwriting. Still, I have no degree and no desire to obtain one. I am an artist and eventually, as hard as it gets to pursue my artistic endeavors, they beckon me back and I, once again, become a slave.

That brings me to the next career pursuit which was that of a singer/songwriter. I pursued that for about the same about of time as I pursued the acting before a few snags halted that whole plan. I performed a bunch of shows, co-wrote the music and lyrics to a musical, made some crappy demos, started to train with a coach and took those piano lessons, but once things started to get technical, it sucked all of the fun out of it and my writing partner and accompanist had to start looking for work that would actually pay the bills. Feeling abandoned and frustrated (if people think finding success as an actor is hard, they should try becoming a musician) I decided it was time to start looking for another means of making my fortune.

And that brings us to career pursuit number 3 and that's screenwriting. I'm 30 pages into my script. The idea for which is very highly praised by professionals and civilians alike. It has potential, but I've hit a wall and while I have no intention of quitting until it is finished, I have allowed myself until after the new year to shelve the project.

So, back to what I said in my previous post...I don't think I'm a loser. It's not that I don't work hard, take risks or have any talent, it's something else. And it's not like I'm not a cool chick who can't maintain friendships or easily make new friends, it's something else. And what that "something" is has yet to be figured out. Part of me thinks it's location location location. Which is why I'm considering moving...but I just haven't decided yet.

Better Off Dead (Part I of III)

Let's not get too macabre, "Better Off Dead", is also the title to a 1980's comedy starring John Cusack. Here's the deal though, I'm 35, single, female, broke and decidedly unfamous...oh, and I live in Hollywood. So, yeah...I might as well be dead...as far as this town is concerned.

So, the question begs: "Is it time to leave Hollywood?" and I just cannot get a firm grasp on the answer.

I've lived in Hollywood for 10 years. It used to be fun. I used to like it. But one day I woke up and looked around and realized that I had no friends, no career and no man...and wasn't in my 20's anymore. Now I feel like I'm the last person to get the clue that the party is indeed over and everyone else has long gone home...what the hell am I still doing here?

You might get the idea that I'm some kind of loser, but I can assure you I'm not...I don't think.

FRIENDS...OR LACK THEREOF

The no friends thing sort of just crept up on me. Los Angeles is a transient city, people come and go. I used to have a TON of friends. I had girlfriends from back home living here, but they have all since moved back to where they came from and married. I had one "best friend" for about 9 years, but we had a falling out last summer (the subject for another blog sometime). And then I had two gay friends who both left Los Angeles for New York. That right there is 6 people who were in my life and then* poof!* they were gone. And there have been others through the last decade...girls and guys from work who either move away, or change jobs and then make all new friends, or for whatever other reason just sort of fade into the distance the way some friendships do. At my current job, when I started there almost 7 years ago, I was still in my 20's and there were a few folks there who were a few years older than me, some in their 30's. Over the years as people have changed careers, gotten their "big break", or simply moved on, my boss has seen fit to start filling those spots with younger and younger replacements. Now, I am the oldest person there and have nothing in common with the chattering giggling girls who are still out there clubbing and basically doing what I stopped doing over 5 years ago. All of the friends in my age bracket who still live here and who I still keep in touch with are married. So, needless to say, the social life has become all but non-existent. Every once in a while I can get someone to go see a movie or have have lunch or something, but jeez, is that all there is?