Friday, May 6, 2011

The Limbo

Apparently the Vatican decided a few years back that Limbo doesn't really exist.  I am here to tell you, it does.  I have been living in Limbo for eight months now.  It is everything they said it was and more.  It totally sucks.

When I decided to quit Lala Land and move far far away I had a vision, I had a plan.  The plan was good.  But then one thing led to another (see previous posts) and the plan became null and void.  And now I am back at square one.  My friends are getting engaged, getting married, having kids, moving on, living life, and I'm watching Grey's Anatomy for seven hours a day.  What the hell has happened to me?

I don't want to get engaged, get married, or have kids.  I did, but now I don't.  In my mind the world has officially become this uber scary place and I do not wish to bring any other humans into it.  Perhaps that will change, but for now, that's how I feel.  I thought I wanted to be a Yoga teacher.  It seemed to be a life that would hold some meaning and that would keep me happy and healthy, but now I just don't think I will be fulfilled by that.  I haven't practiced regularly in months.  I've lost my Yoga mojo.  So what the f do I want to do already???  Why can't I figure this out?

I still have my artistic desires.  I still want to write.  This is why I am forcing this horrifically boring and dismal blog right now.  I still want to act.  I still want to sing.  I still want to do a lot of things.  But after being run over by the biggest steam roller of my existence over the last few months, I'm still trying to get my bearings and figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.  I feel like a cartoon character who's just been knocked out and while I back on my feet I'm still dizzy and I have those cartoon drawings above my head indicating that my brain is still the equivalent of scrambled eggs.

You know that saying "No matter where you go, there you are?"  I hate that saying.  I hate it because it's so true.  I thought if I relocated I could start fresh.  Wrong.  What I can do is refigure out everything in my life that I thought I had figured out.  While I am grateful for all of the freedoms that I have, there's a part of me that wishes that I didn't have any choices.  I mean, I have a hard enough time choosing a shampoo when I'm at Target.  There are too many to choose from.  And that's how I feel about my life.  I can do anything.  So, how do I choose?

When my BFF died, along with the grief came this powerful rush of ambition.  I felt like I had to live my life for both of us.  If she couldn't do ANYTHING, I would do EVERYTHING.  Well, that's obviously not realistic and maybe that has become a burden now.  I've turned around and done NOTHING...and that ain't good.  I'm still dealing with the grief from that loss, but there comes a time, and I believe that time is now, when you have to pick yourself up and just move on.  It's embarrassing for me to continue this way.  Something has to change, and I have to figure it out, but nothing is coming.  I've been through hard times before.  Times when I was unsure what the next step was going to be, but then I become inspired somehow and I put one foot in front of the other and I move towards something.

It's scary not to be able to look ahead and have some sort of insight into what your life is going to look like in five or ten years.  I think we are expected to be able to do that.  I can't seem to.  What does that mean?  I envy my departed friend in a lot of ways.  She doesn't have to work.  She doesn't have to deal with having a broken heart or with being disappointed.  She and I shared a lot of the same worries.  Now it's just me.  I know you aren't supposed to say that you envy the dead, but sometimes it's true and I'm not here to tell lies.  But, the other side of that is that she doesn't get to experience any of life's joys, and there are many to be had.

Maybe this is a start?  I really don't know.  But, there is something inside of me that NEEDS to express itself even if it doesn't quite know what it wants to say.   Even though this is surely my most boring and craptastic blog of all time, it's something.  Maybe the artist inside of me hasn't died after all.  Maybe it's just waking up from a long nap.  I know one thing for sure, it doesn't like doing the limbo.

1 comment:

  1. I think this is the BEST time to write...and i ALWAYS breeze through what you write because if it were in book form, it would be a page turner. It's important to write about the things we don't even talk about...death, depression, feeling lost. Tell you what...I'll make the decision for you. WRITE!!! You should do everything to be the best writer you can possibly be. The difference between you and someone else who writes pretty well but doesn't have what it takes...is that you are brave enough to bare it all. VERY important to be truly great.

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