Retarded Goldilocks

Leave it to me to f up a perfectly decent guy situation and then wonder why I don't have a boyfriend.

After my 8th grade moment last Monday when "The Hottest Guy I've Ever Met"--let's just refer to him as "Hot" from now on shall we?-- came over to watch a movie (but didn't make a move), I decided to go ahead and reenact the same scenario that I've been happily reenacting with men/boys since high school.

This scenario includes me being so insecure and retarded that I can't wait even one day after I've hung out with said guy to find out if he still likes me.  Um...really?  Because someone can all of a sudden stop liking you for no apparent reason after you watch a movie together and barely interact at all?  REALLY?  THAT can ruin it?!?!?

Well, yes, according to my psychotic mind it can.  So I act.  I contact said guy to test the waters and get a feel for where they are and how they are feeling, etc.

(God this is so pathetic I should NOT have a blog and tell people how lame I really am.)

So, this contact is obviously totally unnecessary and only serves to fuel the fire of my insecurity because what usually happens is the guy can sense the desperation and it scares them off and then I can sense that that's what's happening and then of course the thing I was worried about all along (that they don't like me anymore) starts to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And so the story goes.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

In my defense though...what kind of a guy comes over to your house and lays on your bed cuddling with you and DOESN'T make a move?  Maybe I should change his name from "Hot" to "Gay"...I mean...I think anybody would be confused by that.  Especially when the text you sent inviting him over reads:

"Come over so we can make out".

I mean...am I wrong?

To add insult to injury, I'm sitting in freakin' Yoga class all day long learning about how to be present to the moment, be less reactive, accept reality and "what is", and the like...and I get it!  I do.  I really really do.  So, now I'm not only bad at boys...I'm bad at Yoga too.  But at least I'm really good at looking like an idiot...everybody should have at least one talent.

To be fair, I have to take back the desperate comment that I made earlier.  I'm FAR from desperate.  If I were desperate, I wouldn't be single.  I could easily have someone and have turned down quite a few men since I started writing this blog five months ago.  But, like Goldilocks, I'm looking for one that's Juuuuust Riiiiight.  And I sure hell am not going to be able to figure out who that is if I keep this shit up.

And I don't want to hear any bullshit about how using the word "retarded" in this manner is un PC.  The American Heritage Desk Dictionary definition of "Retarded" is as follows:

redarded (ri-tar'did) adj. Slow or backward in mental or emotional development.

If what I described above doesn't fit that definition then I don't know what does.  So, yeah...on top of everything...I'm ACTUALLY retarded.  Maybe I should start taking the short bus...maybe someone who's "Just Right" will be on there and we can live happily ever  after.

ROFL!!!!

Okay, I'm not really ROFL.

Anyway, I can't take ALL of the blame.  If any of these dudes could express themselves and show or tell me how they feel then I wouldn't have to wonder and go through all of this horrifying nonsense.

So here's the thing.  DUDES!  If you don't really like me that much, STOP F#$%ING ASKING ME OUT!  IT'S F#$%ING CONFUSING!  And if you do like me.  Show it...or Say it.  It doesn't hurt, I promise.

So...where do things stand with "Hot" now?  I dunno...we are still speaking, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me anymore.  After re-reading this blog, I'm not even sure if I like me anymore!  Maybe I should call him and ask.  Just kidding.

I need to go take a nap now...and for the time being I'm just going to sleep in my own bed...cause we all remember what happened to Goldilocks.