When you have a relationship with someone for twenty two years that consists of daily conversations about everything (and nothing), and then it is gone...well, there are no words. To go through something as big as this without the person who helps you get through these things is damn near impossible.
The person who I want to talk to about my best friend's death is my best friend. How do you get around that? I know you have to take these things a day at a time, but I can't help but think of all of the days to come and how I'm going to need her and she's not going to be there. It's a luxury, an absolute LUXURY to be able to pick up the phone at any time day or night to just run something by someone and have them immediately be on board with the situation. What am I supposed to do now?
Your best friend is the person who "gets" you. She's the person who knows you like nobody else. She knows you when you don't know yourself. And she is irreplaceable.
So, this is what the rest of my life is going to look like. Having to take those little moments when you want to shoot the shit and just let them literally go without saying. Having those little heart breaks when she says just the right thing and going without those words of comfort. Having to complain and bitch and moan about big things and little things and having to either just suck them back up or treat them like they don't exist.
It is a loneliness like nothing I have ever experienced. And I've been lonely. Who knew that that was nothing compared to this? Nothing.
I know what other friendships can be like. I have a lot of friends. And they all have their place, but my relationship with my best friend was the number one most honest friendship that I had. We argued like crazy and we hurt each other from time to time, but we never had to mince words. It was a symbiosis. It was like having a twin. There were times when we'd be less than honest and we would know that the other person was on to us and we would also know that they knew that we knew...it went that deep. There was no "getting away" with anything. We weren't fooling anybody. Even when we withheld the truth or fibbed, it was still honest because we could read each other's minds.
I know that all of my other relationships are censored. I see it now more than ever because the person to whom I revealed all of those secrets, the stuff that was cut out of the other conversations, is gone. My secrets end here and they no longer have an outlet. Perhaps I will explode from the bloat of it. She was a vessel it which I poured everything that I could not share with anyone else.
This is all on top of the facts of her passing. They are hard to accept. I will not go into it here. Suffice it to say, I will never be able to feel settled with the fact that I wasn't there for her in her final days. They were not easy for her. The thought of her being scared and alone is too much to take, and yet what choice to I have? I cannot undo it. I have to take it. Take it where? Take it how? I do not know.
And life goes on. People are still careless with my feelings. If I do not walk around with a sign on my face that says, "Please remember I lost my best friend and have never felt more alone" people do forget. It is amazing how quickly it is expected of you to "move on". You expect the world to stop. You do. You expect every day to be about her. You expect everyone to know that everything you see, hear, taste, feel and do is in correspondence to your connection (or lackthereof) with this person. People want you to be happy and they want to believe that you are over it when you pretend to be.
I'm not over it.
I thought my life was hard before. I thought that being poor and single were so awful. I had no idea that it could get worse. Not like this. I thought that my messed up relationships with other people were so devastating and important. Psh. That was nothing.
It's interesting because there were times that I wrote this relationship off. Walked away because it got too hard. There were times when we didn't speak for months. I was fine. I missed her. I wanted her. But, I wasn't depressed about it. There were even times when I thought the friendship was completely over. This is why it's interesting...I must have known deep down that that was not true and would never be true. Because now that I KNOW that it's over...it's a whole different story. I truly cannot imagine life without her. And yet, I'm living it right now. Right now she is gone and I'm still here.
Over the past few days I have really really really needed to talk to her. And because I can't, I have become ill. Lethargic. Depressed. Unable to function properly. My muscles are weak. The fetal position is the only one the feels comfortable. Tears come easily and when I have to hold them back my stomach becomes sick. It's super fun.
When will it end? Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never.
I had a really good week last week. I spent a lot of time with a lot of wonderful people. I had fun. I thought about her. I didn't think about her. It came. It went. It seemed like it was going to be doable. And then I needed her and it all fell apart. I imagine it's going to be a lot more of the same for quite some time.
It is almost impossible to think of her without thinking about her tragic death. I know I should be focusing on the good times and her smile and her laugh, but instead I picture her being alone and afraid and dying. I think about the good times too. I do, but then I think about why I'm thinking about it...cause she's gone and then I'm forced to think about why that is.
I don't want words of comfort. I don't want advice.
You know what I want. You know that I can't have it. So, for now, save it. I just need to go through this. I pray that you never have to.
"You left me standing here"~The Beatles
I know that all of my other relationships are censored. I see it now more than ever because the person to whom I revealed all of those secrets, the stuff that was cut out of the other conversations, is gone. My secrets end here and they no longer have an outlet. Perhaps I will explode from the bloat of it. She was a vessel it which I poured everything that I could not share with anyone else.
This is all on top of the facts of her passing. They are hard to accept. I will not go into it here. Suffice it to say, I will never be able to feel settled with the fact that I wasn't there for her in her final days. They were not easy for her. The thought of her being scared and alone is too much to take, and yet what choice to I have? I cannot undo it. I have to take it. Take it where? Take it how? I do not know.
And life goes on. People are still careless with my feelings. If I do not walk around with a sign on my face that says, "Please remember I lost my best friend and have never felt more alone" people do forget. It is amazing how quickly it is expected of you to "move on". You expect the world to stop. You do. You expect every day to be about her. You expect everyone to know that everything you see, hear, taste, feel and do is in correspondence to your connection (or lackthereof) with this person. People want you to be happy and they want to believe that you are over it when you pretend to be.
I'm not over it.
I thought my life was hard before. I thought that being poor and single were so awful. I had no idea that it could get worse. Not like this. I thought that my messed up relationships with other people were so devastating and important. Psh. That was nothing.
It's interesting because there were times that I wrote this relationship off. Walked away because it got too hard. There were times when we didn't speak for months. I was fine. I missed her. I wanted her. But, I wasn't depressed about it. There were even times when I thought the friendship was completely over. This is why it's interesting...I must have known deep down that that was not true and would never be true. Because now that I KNOW that it's over...it's a whole different story. I truly cannot imagine life without her. And yet, I'm living it right now. Right now she is gone and I'm still here.
Over the past few days I have really really really needed to talk to her. And because I can't, I have become ill. Lethargic. Depressed. Unable to function properly. My muscles are weak. The fetal position is the only one the feels comfortable. Tears come easily and when I have to hold them back my stomach becomes sick. It's super fun.
When will it end? Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never.
I had a really good week last week. I spent a lot of time with a lot of wonderful people. I had fun. I thought about her. I didn't think about her. It came. It went. It seemed like it was going to be doable. And then I needed her and it all fell apart. I imagine it's going to be a lot more of the same for quite some time.
It is almost impossible to think of her without thinking about her tragic death. I know I should be focusing on the good times and her smile and her laugh, but instead I picture her being alone and afraid and dying. I think about the good times too. I do, but then I think about why I'm thinking about it...cause she's gone and then I'm forced to think about why that is.
I don't want words of comfort. I don't want advice.
You know what I want. You know that I can't have it. So, for now, save it. I just need to go through this. I pray that you never have to.
"You left me standing here"~The Beatles
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